Crystal Clear
by thebunnyinthemoon
Summary: Basically it's about Murdock and a young girl he first met in Vietnam (she is not vietnamese!). Fate brings them together again and the girl ends up being a (smaller) part of the A-Team because of her abilities. They fall in love which confuses Murdock and he feels guilty. But when a mission goes wrong he has to reconsider the way he is handling the situation. Lot's of love here ;)
1. Chapter 1

Crystal Clear

**Rating: **M / NC 17

**Summary: **Basically it's about Murdock and a young girl he first met in Vietnam. Fate brings them together again and the girl ends up being a (smaller) part of the A-Team because of her abilities. They fall in love which confuses Murdock and he feels guilty. But when a mission goes wrong he has to reconsider the way he is handling the situation. Please read the warnings guys, if you don't like what's in there, don't read!

**NA: **This fic changes the time on a couple of events for the story's sake….I hope I have found a decent way to manage this. Also I know the story has some parts in it that probably would never happen in "real life" or sound extremely made up, but I tried my best to keep it as real as can be. Oh and please excuse my absolutely dreadful English and feel free to suggest any kind of correction to make this sound less weird. Thanks guys!

**Warnings:** This is a horribly wrong story, written by an A-Team-addict and otherwise completely insane person. Contains explicit sexual scenes with a minor! Mentions of sex, death, sex and...more sex. Oh and a lot of romance, enjoy :D

* * *

- PROLOGUE -

I can't eat, I can't sleep  
I can't sleep, I can't dream  
An aversion to light  
Got a fear of the ocean.  
Like drinking poison, like eating glass.

- Bloc Party

* * *

- INTRODUCTION -

_'I can't eat. I can't eat!' _she thought to herself while she was sitting at one of the tables in the cafeteria, her lunch in front of her.

_'Why the heck can't I eat?' _

Recent events were just enough to drive her up the wall. She was annoyed by the fact that she hadn't been able to eat right since well...about a week ago. A week ago, when her whole world got turned upside down, inside out and everything got flipped around. Nothing was the way it was before. Well actually things were kinda the same, but just not in that particular matter. She was never as confused as she had been at this point in her life. Things couldn't be fixed by thinking logically or calculating like crazy and then finding her way around them, the way she always solved her problems. To be honest, she didn't know what to do...

CHAPTER 1: Welcome to my world –

Round here she's always on my mind  
Round here I got lots of time  
Round here we're never sent to bed early  
And nobody makes us wait  
Round here we stay up very very late

- Counting Crows

THE PAST

They've always had a connection, though, a different kind. The kind that makes you feel like a blind man who suddenly can see again...every time they were together. He didn't want to believe it was true but the first time he saw her back in Vietnam hit him exactly like that. She was only a child then and he felt the need to protect her urging inside him like with no one else before. Her dad had been the head physician at one of the biggest field hospitals in Vietnam. Her mother died during a horrible incident when she was 5 years old. So since no family was left, her dad took care of her and against all sanity and reason one would say, took her to the hospital with him because she was the only thing he had left in his life. She usually never strolled around the hospital, and generally was forbidden to do so. Behind the hospital lay an old Vietnamese villa who was once occupied by a Vietnamese army doctor and his family. The US Army called it their own when they fled because of the war.

Sometimes Murdock wondered what any Army officials would say if they wouldn't depend on him that much and if they realized this little girl was here with the doctor. There must have been some agreement and high amounts of money involved, he thought to himself. Little did he know then that it was all part of a bigger plan.

The doctor and his daughter, as well as most of the nurses and other doctors found a place to live in that

abandoned place during that time. Not a word was spoken about the doctors crazy ways of bringing his child to a place like that although everybody wondered how he managed to keep his child by his side. It was always rumored he was the best in his field and that's why authorities had let him have his way. They had nobody else and he didn't want to put her in a foster family or a children's home for the time he'd be stationed over there, it was his biggest fear to lose his precious child, so the otherwise so sensible doctor brought her along with him. Also, he loved his child dearly and spent all of his free time, if he had any, playing with his daughter in the enormous backyard of the house.

The sounds of bullets, tanks, crashing airplanes and screaming soldiers seemed far away at those times...

The first time he was in that hospital was after his helicopter crashed. He was the only one surviving the crash, even if wounded badly enough for doctors to wonder if he'd make it. It had been his third surgery that day and he was asleep until night had fallen. When he woke up and opened his eyes he almost cried out loud as his eyes adjusted to the dim light in the room - she was standing right in front of him. The girl he saw when he was rushed to the hospital. He took a quick look at her. She didn't say anything, she just stared at him. She must have been around 4 or 5 years old. She had pale white skin, beautiful deep blue eyes and her golden-blonde hair was hanging wildly around her shoulders. She definitely hadn't had a decent haircut in a while or maybe she just didn't like to brush it?

He shook his head in disbelief. His eyes must've played a trick on him. He closed them for a short time and when he opened them again...she was gone. He was sure he must've dreamed this. What would a little girl be doing at a time like this, at a place like this? He closed his eyes and went back to sleep. Well at least he tried. Nightmares haunted most of his night and when the nurses woke him up in the morning, he felt horrible. He didn't think of the girl the whole day until things started getting creepy at night yet again.

He awoke from a horrible nightmare and sat up in his bed, sweating and breathing heavily when he looked at the half opened door and saw her silhouette in the dark. He shook his head once again and rubbed his eyes, but this time, she was still there after he opened them again. Her curious eyes staring right at him, making him feel as if she could see trough him...in a strange kind of way. Getting it together he finally decided to give it a try and talk to her.

"Well hello there little lady, what are you doing up here in the middle of night?" His voice sounded rough and shaky.

She didn't move neither said a word. She just stared in his eyes. It wasn't until now that his eyes adjusted to the dark so that he could see her more clearly. Thank god, he thought to himself, because it proved that he wasn't seeing creepy little girls in his head and that she was really here.

"Shouldn't you be sleeping right now?"

She blinked, once, twice, nothing happened.

Murdock didn't know what to do or say, he hadn't been in a situation like this before. Come to think of it, he was never alone with a child his entire life. Of course he remembered being one, and hanging out with the neighbourhood kids but still...this was something he hadn't planned for at all when he knew he was going to Vietnam.

He didn't realize he was off in his thoughts again, when he noticed her walking closer to him. She didn't seem scared like yesterday night. She seemed curious, and he thought it was actually kind of funny how he could see right through her as well and noticed how she had to fight her fear over her curiosity to come even more closer.

"There's no need to be shy lil' missy, I won't hurtcha." He said and smiled. Strangely, he could again, as he realized hadn't been smiling in a long time.

She looked at him when, suddenly, they heard footsteps in the hallway.

He didn't even finish whispering "you better hide.." when the girl quickly turned around, opened the closet, got in and quietly closed it's doors again right before the nurse stopped at the door and opened it. Murdock pretended to be asleep and the nurse walked over to check his blood pressure while he was sleeping. She scribbled down something, presumably on his patient chart and then she left and closed the door.

Murdock waited. He didn't hear the closet doors open and looked right at the doors when all of a sudden he realized the little girl was standing right in front of him again.

"Whoa how did you do that? You are a sneaky little lady I have to tell you that…I'm impressed!"

They saw less than before now, since the door was fully closed, but still enough from the outside lights and the moon over the hospital. When he looked at her face he noticed a corner of her mouth twitching and almost turning into a halfway-smile. It wasn't enough though, for a real smile. Maybe he just thought she was doing it...after all, children were supposed to at least smile, weren't they?

He chuckled and immediately felt the stinging pain coming from his broken ribs. He must've been leaning on his side too much. A quiet sound of pain came from his lips and he leaned back a bit more. The girl stared again. No signs of a smile.

"No worries little sneaky, I'm fine, I just …."

He didn't finish his sentence when he noticed a tiny cold hand on his mouth.

He looked at her and wondered how she got up to him when he noticed she had stepped on a bedpan which she turned upside down. She had trouble reaching him because she was, after all, a little girl with rather short arms.

She looked at him, took her hand away just to go a little further and put it on his forehead. He looked back at her, surprised, but then he closed his eyes and without opening them again for even a second he fell asleep. '_Must've been too much with the pain and the medications'_ he thought to himself before everything went black.

The next day passed faster than he had expected. The Colonel, Lieutenant and Sergeant came to visit him since they had just returned from the mission he was pulled out of early. Happy to see them all healthy he told them he was feeling better already and ready to go out on mission again. They talked for a while and then they left. Murdock was on his own again. Some nurses came by, took his blood, gave him lots of different infusions and he was in a weary sleepy state for the rest of the day. He wondered though if the little girl, who's name he still didn't know would come to visit him again tonight. He tried to not think of her today, but after last night it was kinda hard. Why would she sneak away at night? Why didn't anybody notice her missing? Why in god's name does she choose him to visit? Or does she visit other patients too? He hoped that if she came tonight, he could get her to talk at least a little bit.

It was about 2 pm when Murdock awoke with a scream. He'd had one of those dreams again…the flight, getting his comrades out of the war zone, getting hit, the stinging in his arm, the noise of the propellers slowly giving up, the smell of the fire entering the cockpit, his war buddies bleeding faces, the big bang and then…darkness. Just darkness. Peaceful at some point, when he thought it was over for good and then waking up in the hospital.

He looked around and wasn't surprised at all to see the little girl standing at his bedside the third night in a row.

"Hey there" he mumbled "sorry if I scared ya…I was just having a bad dream, you know."

She looked at him, looked like she was about to say something but then didn't. It didn't take much for him to figure out this girl was anything but normal. And she was so beautiful too. He couldn't remember ever seeing something so beautiful. She almost looked like a big doll. Her big blue eyes, the blonde soft yet wild hair, those rosy cheeks the pale skin and her beautiful full rosy lips…she reminded him of a girl that used to live in his neighbourhood when he was a young boy...

"So…what have been up to today? Did you sleep in since you stayed awake so long?"

No response.

"Why won't you tell me your name little missy? I figured it would be around time since this is your third visit to my room in the middle of the night."

He gave her a big grin, as big as it could get considering the circumstances they were in. She looked at him, motionless. Though she seemed to understand everything he was saying very clearly. He had gotten a fever that day and felt it rising again, slowly getting weaker.

"So you hang around here a lot huh? Isn't this a sad place to be for a child? Where are your parents? And above all…why are you here?...I mean, did somebody find you and bring you here? Do you need help?"

Her eyes flinched when he said "parents", he noticed that. The girl took the bedpan again from under the bed, turned it upside down and got on top of it so she could be at a better level with Murdock. She came as close as the night before. He remembered her hand on his forehead and how good it had felt. And before he knew what was happening, she had taken a swing and got onto his bed right next to him. Those were just small hospital beds, but she somehow managed to find the right spot to sit.

"Oh hey there, whatcha doin'?" He said, the fever getting increasingly worse and the painkillers kicking in.

She kept staring at him. Then, she turned her head around and started humming.

"Hmmm hm hm hm hm hmmm hmm hmmmm..."

Murdock realized she was humming Mockingbird. He felt sleepier and sleepier and soon he was off, dreaming again. For the first time in a while, Murdock did have no nightmares that night.

When he awoke the girl was gone and the sun was about to rise. He wondered what in the world the little girl wanted from him. It wasn't safe for a child to run around at an Army Hospital in freaking Vietnam, especially not at night.

The Colonel paid him a visit that afternoon and he decided to tell him about it.

"Colonel, call me crazy, but I have been seeing a little girl 3 nights in a row now, in my room, and I am almost a hundred percent sure she is not just in my brain."

The Colonels eyes widened when he mentioned the girl. Did he know something? Murdock eagerly awaited his answer.

"Did you really? Well Captain, I can reassure you, you are not as crazy as you think you are. There have been rumors, and I'm quite aware that they are true, that she is the head physicians daughter."

"He brought his daughter here?!" Murdock couldn't believe it.

"As far as I'm concerned, she is the only thing the man has. Her mother died when she was just a baby and ever since then he brings her everywhere he goes – no excepctions. But again, it is all a big secret."

"And they let him get away with that?"

"Well he wasn't always an Army Physician you know. He practiced in many different hospitals all around the world. They say he is the best in what he does. It's a miracle he even considered being a head physician in a place like this. Lord knows what drove him to do so."

"I haven't seen him yet, they say he's old?"

"He should be around 54."

"Interesting…"

"And the girl comes to your room at night? Tell me about that Captain."

"Well, at first I thought it was all in my head 'cause I think I've seen her once around here…but then…last night was the third night in a row. She doesn't talk, she mostly just stares, waits till I'm back asleep and then is gone the next morning. I have absolutely no idea why she visits me at night or what she wants from me."

"Well, I have no idea what she could want from you. I won't tell the nurses…for now. I know her father loves her dearly…though he probably wouldn't want her running around in this hospital at night, but I don't want to get them in trouble. It's a miracle how she even gets in here considering all the security guards around the mansion and the hospital…"

"She is sneaky Colonel, I don't even hear her coming or anything. It is as if she makes no sounds."

A nurse came in and they stopped talking.

"Well Captain I have to go. Keep me updated on your situation, I'll visit you again tomorrow, then we're off for another mission."

"Take care Colonel!" He said, and saluted him.

This night, when Murdock awoke, screaming once again, she wasn't there. He waited for another hour before he went back to sleep again. He wondered if everything was okay with her.

The next day, Murdock felt a lot better. The fever had gone and he could move around more. He even was able to stand up and walk a few feet with crutches, which relieved him a lot.

He noticed he had lost a lot of weight though. His arms and legs seemed so skinny under the swellings from the crash. _'Oh well, it could've been worse.' _

When he awoke that night, it wasn't because of a dream. Somebody whispered in his ear. He could barely hear it.

"H.M." it was a whisper as soft as a feather brushing against his ear. It sounded like an Angel. For a second he thought he was dying. This must've been it. Did the fever come back? What a shame. But it couldn't be that an Angel called him in his dream? Her voice was so sweet. It must've been an Angel, he thought. But he had gotten so much better that past day…how could he be dying now? He thought about it for a while, then decided it wasn't gonna do any good and answered.

"...mmmyeah...?" he murmured, eyes still closed, when a rattling on the bed finally awoke him and made him open his eyes.

It was her. She was wearing a white night gown. No shoes or socks, and her hair wild as always. She must've gotten back on the floor when he answered. Thinking about it, she did look like a little Angel with the white gown and her blonde hair and blue eyes.

For a moment, they just stared, as always. Had it gotten their way of saying hello?

"How…how do you know my name?"

She looked at him, went to the foot side of the bed, took his record papers and presented them to him from the distance.

"Oh so you can read? You must be really smart." He smiled.

She put the record back, walked towards him and sat on his bed again, quietly sneaking on it as if she climbed around in those beds all day.

For a while they were really quiet. Him, laying in his bed, her, sitting on the edge of it looking at him. Suddenly, she turned her head away.

"You scream every night." She said, not looking at him.

Murdock was perplexed. He didn't expect that. He didn't expect anything would come from her ever…and there she was telling him what he already knew with her oh so innocent voice.

"I do? Well yes I suppose I do..haha…I, it's just, I have…bad dreams I guess and…that's why. You know the kind of dream where you get a little scared."

"Nightmare." she said softly, still not looking him in the eyes.

"Yeah but it's no biggie…I'm sure it'll go away real soon." he smiled.

"I have nightmares." she said.

"Is that why you're up and around here every night?" He needed to know the reason why she came here.

"No."

"Well if it isn't because of the bad dreams….why do you come here? You've visited me every night since I got here."

"I don't know." Was she lying?

"Well you can't sleep obviously and then…you just start wanderin' round?"

"I…can sleep. I wake up and…then I can't sleep anymore. I come here and nobody notices. They never do."

Murdock noticed a hint of a waggy smile coming from the side of her face.

"So you like strolling around and not getting caught?"

"It's highly amusing." she said, her face now turned to the door so he could only see one half of it.

He didn't expect her to say something like that. It was weird for a girl that age. But he was so excited because she finally was talking to him, he didn't care right now how or in what way she spoke. There was a long break. Both of them didn't talk. Murdock wanted to know more but didn't want to put any pressure on the little girl telling him about her life. He was as curious as ever though. After a while he decided to ask her another thing.

"Why do you choose to come visit me out of all the patients here?"

Her shoulders twitched, for a second only. Barely noticeable if Murdock hadn't had such a good eyesight at night. Once again there was a longer pause.

"I was moving about aimlessly the night you were admitted when I heard you scream. I came into your room. I remained there for a while since I couldn't go back yet. Your movements and words are...interesting."

Okay...that was the longest sentence she said to him so far…so he was 'interesting?'. Maybe that girl was just about as crazy as he was starting to become. Where did she learn to talk like that? She got a kick out of wandering round hospital hallways at night and…she didn't seem scared at all. Actually she didn't seem to show that many emotions at all. And if it hadn't been dark, Murdock could've seen her cheeks blush a little, as she was telling him this.

"I have to leave." she said, hopping of the bed quietly.

"Wait!" he whispered loudly "You haven't told me your name yet!"

She turned around, those ice blue eyes staring at him again like blue diamonds, you could even tell in the dark.

"Jamee."

And without turning around once more again, she snuck out of the room and disappeared.

'_Jamie?' _he thought to himself. '_What a strange name for a girl…'_ Soon he fell asleep.

The next day, Murdock was allowed to get up again and walk around for a bit. He enjoyed finally being outside again, even if it was hot and humid and you could hear the sounds of war and marching soldiers nearby. He thought of his comrades he had lost. He couldn't even attend their last call. When he finally got out of here, he'd go and visit them…well, their graves of course. It saddened him, the thought of the 4 other soliders who are now all dead. They won't ever come back and it hurt him deeply. He even went as far as thinking if he'd only done this or that, maybe they'd still be alive. But there is no way yet a chopper hit straight in the rotator by a missile can be landed safely. He wondered why his life was spared.

All those thoughts going round his head, he had lost track of where he was actually going. Slowly but steady he'd made his way in the direction to the big villa. He thought of Jamee. She had talked to him finally last night. She told him she had nightmares…he wondered what they were about and why they were so bad that she couldn't get back to sleep again. He still felt sorry for the little girl, trapped here in that villa in a war zone. In his opinion, her dad may be the best doctor there is but he must be out of his mind bringing her with him.

The villa was huge. The big gate was open and even if they wanted to close it, they couldn't because the metal rods forming the gate had been demolished. Two security guards were standing on each pole that held the gate. You could see the driveway, the huge entrance door and even plants and grass were there, though the dry weather also showed its effect on them. Some nurses passed him and went inside. He just stared. There were some bigger bushes and small trees that covered the a big area of the backyard. Was that a swingset back there? He couldn't see anything clearly so he just assumed. It looked colorful. Weird for a sad place like this. The only colors he had seen in a long time were green, green more green and of couse the ever present sandy colors. Through all the sadness of the war and this place, the villa looked kinda peaceful though. He was sure that if you were inside and didn't hear the noises of the outside, you could almost forget this was a warzone.

He turned his head and suddenly he heard someone giggling. He thought it must've been one of the nurses but he couldn't see anybody. He was about to walk away when he heard it again this time even louder. He turned around and he saw…Jamee? It must've been her. She was running, he realized. Behind the trees he could see her tiny silhouette. She was actually laughing? Now he saw her more clearly, she passed the trees, he could see her whole body now, the tiny feet running, smiling and then – she stopped. She saw him. And she went silent. No smile anymore. Curiosity would have been a perfect description of the look on her face. He found himself smiling. He never thought of anything as cute, but she was, he realized that now. She looked at him, still, and carefully started to walk towards him. This was the first time he saw her during the daytime. She really was gorgeous no doubt about that. She took a few steps into his direction and he actually looked forward to seeing her close in daylight but of course, she must've not been allowed to leave the premises.

Then, as he already suspected that it would happen, somebody was calling her name from afar. She lifted her hand for a second as if she wanted to wave a goodbye, but then she dropped it again and quickly turned around to leave. What a weird little girl. Feeling the all familiar pain coming back, Murdock lifted the crutches and turned around to go back to the hospital.

"So it was your dad who called you back?"

She sat next to him on his bed and nodded. She was wearing her white night gown again. He couldn't believe the little angel made it back to him again, he thought they'd be watching her more now since she tried to leave that day.

"So…you're in trouble now or what?"

"No."

He looked at her.

"You're definitely not a very talkative one li'l missy" And gave her a wink in the dark.

She didn't say anything.

"…did you have a bad dream again? Is that why you're here again?"

She looked at him.

"I have it every night. Daddy gives me medication against it but it doesn't help."

"Is it a really really bad dream?"

"...yes" she whispered.

"Will you tell me what happens in it?"

For a moment he could hear her exhale deeply. She was thinking. She probably didn't want to talk about it. But, to his surprise, she continued.

"It varies. But in the end…Mommy is always gone." She said, her voice shaking.

Murdock felt bad. He didn't want to intimidate her by asking her about the dream.

"I'm so sorry." He said.

"I'm sure it will subside. Daddy says it will go away. And then I won't feel so depressed anymore."

"Your dad brought you here with him right?"

"Yes."

"Do you know why?"

"He says I'm the only thing he has left in this world. He won't ever leave me, he promised."

There was a long pause again. She turned her head to the side and now looked at the door.

"But he does..."

"You're alone a lot?"

"No. People surround me most of the time. The nurses seem to be fond of trying occupational therapy on me."

"Is that why you talk this way? Sorry, it's just, I've never heard a 5 year old talk this way."

"My intelligence seems to interfere with building up a way of speaking like….a child…I suppose."

"So you really are very, very smart."

"All I know is I have an IQ of about 170 and Daddy says it will get higher as I grow." She paused. "Also, I tend to read a lot and the nurses and Daddy teach me a whole lot of different things."

"D'you have a favorite book?"

"mmmm…" The first time a sound coming from her mouth that seemed suitable for a 5-year-old. "I'd have to say 'Gone with the wind' ."

"Aren't you way too young to read stuff like that?"

"How do you know it?" She asked.

"Well it's a movie too…I saw the movie once…girly stuff I think-"

"I didn't know that. But I'm not too young to read it. Maybe I'm too young to understand it, but I will someday."

"Whatever kiddo, you're just a little weird-nut…like me" He winked.

"I'm not weird. I'm perceptually advanced."

She said it all in such a monotone way. He wondered what had happened to her that made her this way. Maybe she was a just little cuckoo, all the smart ones where in some kinda way, he'd figured.

"Big words for a little missy."

She looked down on the floor and yawned. He yawned too.

"Well I guess we should call it…a morning? I dunno, but I think you should at least try to get some more sleep don't you think? I think I need some too…"

She looked at him, then she kissed the palm of her hand and put the hand with the kissed side on his forehead. He was surprised.

"It makes bad dreams go away." She said, like a child her age was supposed to say things like that.

He smiled. "It does? Well if that is so…"

He kissed the palm of his hand as well, and reached out to her head. She was sitting completely still and, as she saw his hand come closer, squeezed her eyes shut…Murdock saw she was getting nervous.

"I won't hurt you" He said, putting his hand very slowly and softly on her forehead.

She shook for a second as his hand touched her forehead. Then her eyes became more relaxed, though they were still closed. The sensation of touching her hit Murdock right in the stomach. It felt…surprisingly good as well as comforting to himself. She had baby-soft skin and her forehead was slightly warmer than it's supposed to be. She took a deep breath and opened her eyes while he took his hand away. Without saying a word, she silently jumped off the bed and left the room. Murdock lay awake for a while, wondering about the situation. It was strange and unknown to him. The following weeks of Murdock's stay at the hospital were a standard procedure. He recovered very well and did not want to be sent home for recreation. He wanted to go out there with his team as soon as possible and doctors said he will be good as new when he entered regular service again. Jamee had visited him almost every night. She talked more and more every time she visited him and the two had become good friends. In that time, Murdock had learned that Jamee seemed to have been kidnapped with her mother once by gangsters who wanted money in order to release them. Her father paid them but during captivity Jamees mother fell ill and never recovered. It seemed so hard for her to talk about it and he highly regarded the kids bravery to tell him about the most unpleasant thing she had experienced in her short life.

"…and then not even Daddy could not help Mommy anymore and she fell asleep and did not wake up again."

"Do you know what that means?" He wondered, if the kid was aware of death in humans as much as she was with ants or anything a kid that age purposely stepped on to see it dead.

"It means...she won't ever wake up again. And it means...she sleeps in her grave, like all people do, when their time has come."

For the time passing, Murdock noticed some changes in her behaviour though. She actually smiled at him a lot more than he'd ever expected, thinking she grew happier as their talks deepened. Her intelligence was amazing though, she would often tell him about how she sometimes got on her fathers computer and found her way round the system since he allowed her to play some games on it. He would tell her about flying planes and choppers and things of all kind and she enjoyed listening to his stories and even seemed to understand basic mechanical issues. She remembered technical details he'd told her and the way planes and choppers work, she knew what air pressure was and even had a kind of understanding for the velocity of those vehicles.

Murdock grew healthier and healthier, often strolling around the villa and looking at her through the big fences and bushes behind which she was hidden so well…during the day. He heard her laughter once. A real genuine laughter and it sounded so sweet. She must've played hide and seek with one of the nurses as he heard a female voice yelling "come back here little lady!" when he heard her running and laughing.

One day, standing in one of the hallways at the hospital he couldn't help but overhear a talk between two nurses who seemed to know Jamee. He could only hear parts of what they were saying.

"Jamee got so much happier the last couple of weeks don't you think?"

"It's amazing…she never interacted much with anybody but yesterday after my shift was over she came up to me and showed me a little paper plane she had made."

Murdock smiled.

"Gee I hope she will stay that way, she's so much better than before, I'm so happy for her and her especially father."

"Did you know he was…"

"Captain Murdock, it's time for your examination!"

A nurse interrupted him listening, he didn't mind. He was happy their late night talks had an effect on little Jamee. He'd grown really fond of her and couldn't help but smile when he went to his appointment with accompanied by the nurse. Who would've thought a helicopter crash could ever turn out to be the trigger of events like those? Life sure was a strange thing. But he was lucky to be alive these days.

Well, that's it for chapter one. I know it isn't exactly easy to read as nothing much happens, but I had to explain the depth of their relationship. Read the next chapter, it get's better ;)


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2 – So long, my friend -

I was scared, I was scared  
Tired and under prepared  
But I wait for it.  
If you go, if you go  
Leave me down here on my own  
Then I'll wait for you.  
Yeah how long must you wait for it?

- Coldplay

THE PAST

"So I'm being transferred sir?"

"Yes Captain, you'll spent the last week of recovery in a hospital near Hanoi, for studies on medication for soldiers."

The doctor handed him some papers.

"Check out will be tomorrow evening and you'll be transferred there during the night."

Murdock was happy in one way, only one more week and he'd be able to go back to his Unit and help them again but he also thought about Jamee…it was time to part. It did make him sad, but he kept his head up thinking they both helped each other so much to get better. He went back to his room. He couldn't sleep that night and time seemed endless before he could hear little tip toes entering his room.

She wore a new nightgown. Still white but it looked even more angel like. He noticed she had some scratches on her arm which were bleeding a little.

"What happened?"

"Fell of the tree." she answered plainly.

"Doesn't it hurt?"

"Not that bad."

"You're a tough one too huh?" He said, making a gesture for her to come sit by him on his bed.

She accepted happily and gave him a cute grin when she climbed up.

They sat there and he started talking.

"So…I have good and bad news" He said.

"What is it"

"Gee it's…kinda hard for me to tell you Missy but…they're transferring me to another hospital in Hanoi."

Jamee freezed. It hit her like a rock to her head. She breathed for a minute. The breathing got heavier.

"Hey, no need to get sad, it's gonna be alright…you're doing so much better than when we first met."

She somehow managed to stop the tears. Her dad had always told her that there is no need to ever cry because she's a strong person. Crying to her was weakness. She had been taught that. Though of course, sometimes not even a grown man can hold back a little tear or two.

She didn't look at him, she just stared in the moonlit room.

"Hey babe, who knows…maybe I can find a way to come back here and visit you sometime?"

She sighed, straightened and looked at him.

"That would be wonderful." she said, giving him a big smile.

He knew it was fake, but at that moment there was nothing he could've done against that and maybe it was better that way. It was quiet and after a while they started talking like they always did.

He told her a little bit about what he was gonna do after this and she told him about what she and her dad

had planned after this. They both agreed that war is absolutely a horrible thing and wished for a soon end of the situation in Vietnam.

Jamee yawned and so did Murdock then.

"So I guess…I gotta go." she said.

He smiled at her.

"You're gonna be alright kiddo, I've never met a child with a stronger personality such as yours, honestly."

"I've never met a person with a personality as interesting as yours." she said.

"So I guess this is goodbye..."

"Yup..."

She took her hand, made him shut his eyes with it and gave him a little kiss on his forehead.

"I really…grew fond of you, H.M." she said.

"I really like you too, Jay. And I want nothing but the best for your future. You're a bright girl and you'll have a wonderful life someday and I'll be keeping you in my thoughts, forever, keep that in mind." His voice a bit shaken now, he pulled her in in a big hug.

She felt weird. She remembered being hugged that tight after the whole thing with her mother ended…and at her funeral. She wondered if hugs that tight are always given in sad situations.

She hopped off the bed, to Murdock's surprise did not turn around and left the room. She almost ran down the hospital ward and when she knew she was in safety, couldn't stop the tears anymore. She didn't know what was going on. Maybe it was just too much for her little kiddie-head, she thought, and at that thought, she didn't realize how demented that must've sounded for being thought by a little 5 year old girl.

The next day came and Hannibal, B.A. and Face gathered in Murdock's room.

"So you'll be in Hanoi for the rest of the time until you can go back out with us again, Captain?" Hannibal Smith asked.

"Yessir, that's how it'll be. I hope I can soon return and go on missions again with you guys…"

"Rest Captain and get well soon and then, we'll fight together again."

"I will sir, see you soon guys."

"Take care Murdock." Face said, putting a hand on his shoulders.

"You better let them give you some meds for your crazy brain, fool" B.A. said.

"But B.A. they already give me medication…I just don't take it, it makes me see things that I don't wanna see! I think they give them to me just so they can control my brain!" He exclaimed, eyes wide open.

"Shut up fool!"

"Seargent, let's go." Hannibal said and B.A. followed, not without turning around to Murdock one last time to shoot him an angry look. Murdock smiled. Yes, in a couple hours approximately, he'd be gone from here, and be in Hanoi for a little while. Well, whatever, hell was hell, he told himself.

About two hours later, two guards came to pick him up.

"Get on the gurney Captain Murdock, we'll bring you to the chopper for transferral to Hanoi." one of them said.

Murdock did as he was told and the rolled him out of the room. He couldn't believe it at first, when he heard tiny footsteps getting closer. They were fast. Someone was running. He turned his head around and he saw...Jamee.

She ran after the gurney he was on. She screamed and he saw so many emotions in that little girl, it broke his heart. She yelled down the hallway.

"H.M.! You don't scream anymore! At night you don't scream anymore!" A tear ran down her face. Security guards and nurses were chasing her.

His eyes widened. He asked the guards to stop just for a second so maybe...maybe he could hug her again once. They said no, of course. Nurses were all around Jamee, trying to get ahold of her and stopping her from running after the cart.

He couldn't hold it back much longer. Fuck what the others would think.

"I know!" He yelled. "Thank you Jay!"

"Let go of meee!" he heard her.

"H.M.!" her voice now shaking and trembling, she was crying like a child her age is supposed to cry. Sobbing she continued "I...I'll miss you!"

He knew he couldn't do anything. Screaming right back would've caused too much suspicion. He turned around on the stretcher as good as he could, narrowing his eyes in pain he realized they were too far away, to hear each other anyways. He focused on her and then he mouthed "I will always miss you." When he saw the look in her face, he knew she had gotten it.

And that was it. The doors closed. He was outside. The guys who carried him just stared blankly, no emotions. He wouldn't have expected it.

He knew he was in trouble for behaving like that but on the other hand...he knew something was not right with his brain and he had good chances of his behaviour being blamed on that and not having severe consequences. Maybe ending up crazy from war wasn't such a bad thing after all...

He was alone in his room at the hospital in Hanoi. A couple of weeks had gone by and it was the day of his release. He put on his combat uniform, and when he was finished putting on the pants, and he put his hand in the right pocket of it, it hit something. Paper, he thought. A piece of paper, correctly folded came to light when he pulled it out of the pocket. He unfolded it...and immediately closed it again when he saw what it was. It was a picture. A picture drawn by a child. A very talented, very young child. It was a little helicopter in the sky, flying with a man sitting inside who was wearing a flying cap and goggles. There was a sun and there were even some birds. The ground was just some trees and a big house with a red cross on it. The hospital, he thought to himself. But what hurt him most were 6 little words and an abbreviation, scribbled across the painting. "My soul is in the sky – W.S."

W.S.? He had to find out what that meant. And then it hit him, her favourite...author! He smiled. She knew Shakespeare and told him a little bit about him in their late night talks. That little girl was something. He hoped that one day, maybe he was lucky enough to see her again. Carefully, he put the picture in his chest pocket, where it was supposed to stay until this horrible war ended.

* * *

Well...so much for the second and, I think, shortest Chapter in this story, but I had to make the cut here because it wouldn't work any other way -_- Anyways, there will finally be enough of all of the Vietnam stuff in the next Chapter, so keep on reading ;)


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3 – Changes –

Down In Albion, they're black and blue  
But we don't talk about that  
Are you from 'round here?  
How do you do?  
I'd like to talk about that  
Talk over  
Gin in teacups  
And leaves on the lawn  
Violence in bus stops  
And the pale thin girl with eyes forlorn

- Babyshambles

THE PRESENT

She sat there. Her untouched food in front her. All those thoughts in her mind. The memories.

'Life…is the most illogical thing there is' she thought.

She saw him today. Sitting outside. He seemed so…disappointed. He seemed unhappy. And she felt guilty. For maybe not being able to give him what he wanted. She just wanted to be with him. It had been a little more than a year since fate had brought them together again and now she would lose him again because she was just a silly 16 year old girl with an impervious mind…oh, and a government trained cyber criminal. Well at least she could help him with that though. Although it never seemed that he distinctively cherished that part of her life.

THE PAST

In Vietnam…she forced her eyes shut…in Vietnam the U.S. Government found out about her being there with her father. Her father grew ill and died after a short time over there. Suddenly, she had nobody left. Of course she had the nurses but they came and went. Soon after her fathers death a man came. A General. He and two other men told her, she would go back to the states and go to a special school there. A school for talented kids like she was one. Her father always wanted to put her in private school after his service in Vietnam. She liked that thought and, being just 6 years old, naively came with the General.

What happened then was years and years of studying, training, private practice, getting punished for not completing horribly difficult assignments and not getting anything for breaking into security systems not even a hacker with years of experience could break into. She learned it all, hacking, obtaining passwords and codes, reprogramming bomb security files, copying secret files…the whole thing. She was perfect.

She could do it all and it wasn't hard. It was just hard to have no one around to play with, to go outside with. Social interaction was always a problem with her…now she had almost none. There were a couple other girls she saw sometimes. There was another girl, her name was Amber. Jamee always knew that was not her real name. They had a name for her too, it was Crystal. It was easy. Those where their eye colors, she figured, but Jamee had one advantage over Amber and that was, that she never forgot her real name. Amber too was brought in young and trained for their purposes. However, she was soon transferred to another building and after that they barely saw each other...sometimes she wondered how she was doing now, but then, she didn't ever want to think about that part of her past again, it made her sick to the core.

She never liked the inside of the hospital. After the people who trained her to be one of the greatest hacker of all times had been captured by the government, Jamee was looking forward to at least a bit of a normal life. What happened then, she'd never thought of. Government physicians and psychiatrists came, questioned her, and put her…in a psychiatric ward of an Army hospital, somewhere in Texas. The hospital knew about her father, and the doctors thought it was best for her to be put there. One thing she didn't think about back then, was that she'd probably have to spend the rest of her life in institutions like these. Her knowledge made her utterly valuable to the government. Every now and then, they'd come, and get her out for a day or two, just to sit her in front of a computer in order to hack systems, find out passwords, and retrieve classified information. She didn't mind though. The people where mostly nice and she got to go outside for a change. There wasn't much she actually minded during that time. She'd grown cold of most her feelings, and learned that, if you keep a smiley face, people will treat you nicer. She did have a couple of bad situations with doctors and nurses, so she tried to do her best to avoid that. Seclusion for nightmares isn't fun after all. The nightmares were the worst. That was when she was reminded of being an orphan in a horrible way. Pictures of her mother and father would haunt her, until she woke up screaming. When she was younger those dreams made her snap out of reality for a while when she awoke. A calming shot from the nurses then was what made her be able to go to sleep again.

Time passed, she got older, the dreams got less and the government provided decent care for her. Despite still having to live in an insane ward, Jamee felt at least taken care of. She got along well with most nurses and avoided the ones with whom she didn't. She was fifteen when the hospital in Texas was shut down due to lack of government funds and the patients had to be transferred to other hospitals. Jamee, for her part, just wanted to go to a hospital her father had once worked in. That was her only goal since she thought it'd make her feel closer to him.

And so it happened. Jamee was transferred to a VA Hospital in Los Angeles. She was excited to go there, to go see Los Angeles again where she had lived the first years of her life. And she was happy to go a hospital where her dad once was head physician. Saying goodbye to her life in Texas, she shared that moment with mixed feelings. While some of the nurses who were really close to her had tears in their eyes upon letting her go, Jamee refused to cry. She had not been crying since her pre-teen days so it wasn't too hard for her not to. She hugged them all and if her mind would've been that of a normal teenage girl she'd have burst in tears, she was sure. Jamee enjoyed the trip. Since she was underage and officially a loony, there was always a nurse by her side sent by the government. She did like being at the airport and flying. Seeing the big city of L.A. slowly giving more and more to see of it through the clouds, and landing at LAX was a slight feeling of coming home to her. She hadn't been this happy for a while, she noticed. At the airport the nurse allowed her to buy a few things since in Texas all her stuff fit in just one box. Jamee was happy that she sometimes got some money from the government when she did a good job on catching yet another IT criminal. And she knew that when she was 18, she'd get half of her parents fortune.

"I just would love to have some new clothes and maybe a couple of books" she said to the nurse, who could not have been older than 25, "I won't take long I promise."

"We arrived on time and still have some time to get to the hospital…also I understand that you might wanna try a new look for living in L.A. now." she winked at her and they both went to get some new clothes and books as Jamee had asked. A newly bought second suitcase to fit the clothes and books and some other stuff later, they made their way to the Taxis and to the hospital.

It was hot and sunny and the hospital seemed about the same size as the one in Texas. Jamee got out of the car and the taxi driver gave her and the nurse the suitcases. There she was. She had arrived. The big doors of the hospital seemed uninviting, but what hospital ever seemed inviting? She imagined her dad, walking in on these stairs every morning when he was going to work. She looked around, heard the birds chirping, some traffic far away and for a strange reason she felt like she could smell the sea. She took in a deep breath, one last time in partial freedom before she'd be handed over to the new staff and into a new kind of captivity. Then she took a suitcase and started going up the stairs.

"Okay, Jamee, we checked everything and you're almost ready now. We'll show you your room and then the doctor would like to have a little talk with you."

Standing at the counter of the nurses station of the psychiatric ward Jamee said goodbye to the government nurse, whose name was Emma she'd learned.

"You're a special young Lady" Emma said "take good care of yourself."

"Thanks for everything Emma." Jamee said and they shook hands.

"Now Jamee will you please follow me, here I'll give you a hand with your other suitcase" The nurse said and Jamee did as the she had told her.

They were walking past some rooms and Jamee noticed the colors of the ward. It seemed purple or pink. The doors had the typical little window in them, with the wire and only a tiny space not covered with the mesh.

It was a mixed ward, just like it was back in Texas. Though the majority of course were men here, as well as in Texas. _What else did you expect from a VA hospital?_ She asked herself, _as if ever anybody my age would be found at a place like this…'_

She was used to being around adults her whole life, so it wasn't that big of a deal for her.

"This is your room Jamee" The nurse opened the door and she walked in. They put the suitcases in the corner."The doctor will be coming to see you soon, if you need anything just ring the bell, I'm sure you know how that works." She smiled at her.

"Yes I know. Thank you."

"You're welcome."

She left, locking the door. Those locking sounds began to drive her crazy. She was not insane, well…at least not completely. She wanted to be free to walk around like other patients too. She shuddered, thinking about the word 'patient'. She wasn't a patient…she just had nowhere else to go and they'd never let her go somewhere else…She started unpacking her suitcases and made herself…well, at home would not apply. Maybe she just wanted to make her halfway feel comfortable. About two hours later, it was just before dinner, a doctor came through her door. Then another one, and another one and two nurses.

The eldest of the doctors smiled and started talking.

"So…Jamee…I hope it's alright if I confront you with your first name?"

"Yes."

"Well I'm doctor Millard, it's nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you, too."

"So, how are you? You've had a long trip here!"

"I'm fine considering the circumstances. Who are the others?"

He laughed. He probably hadn't expected her to be so straightforward, but she could be, especially when she wanted to know what's going on.

"This is doctor Andrews to my right and to my left doctor Garcia. The nurses are Mrs. Roberts and Ms. Fielding."

"I see…nice to meet you." She turned to their faces.

"Nice to meet you, too." they all mumbled.

"So Jamee, I just want to take a quick look at you, tomorrow we will have your first examination here and

you and I are gonna sit down to have a little talk. I was also told an Army official would be there as well."

Her eyes widened. Did they have a job for her? Did they tell the hospital who she was? Well…she would find out tomorrow. Doctor Millard looked her in each eye with a tiny flashlight, made her open her mouth and looked in there too, checked her ears and nostrils, and then finally took her blood pressure.

"Everything seems fine." He said " Do you need anything else?"

"I would like my room not to be locked, I am not suicidal or a danger to others."

"I'm afraid for tonight you'll have to live with it. But we can talk about it tomorrow" He winked at her.

"Well, have a good night, see you tomorrow!"

"Bye." She mumbled.

They left, and when the door closed, she heard the sound of it getting locked again. She shuddered a brief second. A couple of minutes later, dinner was brought to her. The nurse told her, that she'd get it in her room tonight but after the talk with the doctor she was sure she could have it in the dining hall with the other patients. Jamee didn't eat much that night. Well she never ate much. She was really skinny she knew that, but it didn't seem too bad to her. She didn't feel weak because of her light weight. After dinner, she decided to take a shower and call it an early night. The nurse had to wake her up for some medication which made her even sleepier and she slept the whole night without a dream. She was well rested when the nurse came in to wake her up in the morning.

"Good morning, time to wake up." she said, a bit too loud, for Jamee's taste.

She checked her records and wrote some stuff in them. Jamee yawned.

"Please get dressed, you will have breakfast brought soon and afterwards you have your appointment with Dr. Millard." The nurse opened the window, presumably to let in some fresh air but Jamee felt captured again. The windows of course, had a metal mesh attached behind them. She got up and hoped that the day would be over soon. She hated when they questioned her and took all kinds of stupid tests on her.

It had been almost two hours. The first one she spent talking with Dr. Millard. The doctor was a reasonable person, she thought. He was nice and calm and that calmed her down. After all social interactions had never been her thing. But she didn't blame herself over that. She knew why it was that way and that was enough for her to justify her shyness and carefulness when it came to people. Her life had taught her the difference between good and bad people and to quickly decide who was which. She felt like she could distinguish pretty good and so far she'd never been wrong.

They basically talked the normal "admission talk" but she realized Dr. Millard was going for more, too. Did he think she was crazier than what they had said at first? His questions were specific and he didn't accept the term "I don't know". At least not very often. They talked about her intelligence and he even had some test questions for her which she mastered without hesitating. He seemed content when they finished talking. He shook her hand and guided her out of the room.

The other hour she had spent getting her physical exam. They were working thoroughly on her, or at least that impression was left with her. She almost fainted after she got her blood drawn and now, feeling light, was about to have her EEG. The nurse fixed her up with all the wires and electrodes to her head. The hospital was very busy that day so she had to wait outside the treatment room on a gurney they had put her on, after she felt dizzy from the blood drawing. She did feel better though since they gave her a cup of water. She was sitting here, hooked up to all the wires, wearing a white hospital gown and two different socks, which she later realized. Her blonde hair was a mess because of the electrodes hooked up to her head. Of course that didn't make her seem any less crazy.

And as she sat there and waited, a male patient in a wheelchair wheeled his way around the corner, singing something in Spanish and making the wheelchair roll on its back wheels from time to time. She didn't want to stare at him but when he came closer and she looked at his face she could hear something in her head click. He was wearing a baseball cap, a T-shirt with something printed on it that she couldn't read, a pair of khaki pants, and a pair of black Converse shoes. Maybe it was just her mind starting to get completely nuts but she felt like she had seen him before.

When the man looked at her, he stopped singing, the wheelchair dropped on its front wheels and he stared directly into her eyes. What was going on?

"There he is!" A woman's voice was echoing down the hallway. Two big men came and almost tackled the man off the wheelchair, grabbing him and dragging him away. He didn't say anything. He didn't resist or yell or punch or kick…nothing. He was there and the next second he was gone. Jamee felt weird. She was sure she had seen this person before…but…a long time ago…was he one of the guards during her captivity in Texas? She rarely forgot a face. She couldn't think about it very much though, because the nurse came and she got the EEG done.

After the EEG, Jamee was brought to her room. The doctor had told her if she behaved well they will leave her door unlocked and she can move freely, at least around the ward, at first. That was okay for her. In Texas she was allowed to be on the ward at almost all times and she was even allowed to go into the backyard when she had time and felt like it. She took a shower and after that it was time for lunch. The nurse came and told her that if she wanted to, she could have lunch with the other patients in the dining hall. She more than wanted to see other faces, even if they were crazy faces, to which she was used to anyways.

In the dining hall there were already a lot of people from the ward. It didn't take long for her to find her way around. She took a tray and went to the food hand out. They had some meatballs and spaghetti, Mac and cheese and other things plus a little plate of salad for everyone. Jamee took the salad. She did not feel like eating any of the other stuff. The lady handing out the food seemed really nice and told her:

"Listen dear, I dunno what a little lady like you is doing here on this ward, but let me tell you, you gotta eat. Them doctors don't like seeing you not eatin' good, understand?" She smiled.

"I understand ma'am, it's just, I'm really not that hungry today...but I promise I'll try to eat better for dinner." She smiled briefly then turned away.

"You should!" She yelled after her.

Jamee looked around the big room. There were tables set up for four people or eight people at a time.

The room was nice and big, with tall windows on its left and right side, where you could see outside, part of the hospital park and the other buildings. The weather was nice and sunny. Birds were passing the windows just as she was looking out of them. The only thing bothering her about the view was the metal mesh behind the glass. Of course she had to be reminded where she was in everywhere she was going...

She spotted a table where no one was sitting yet, so she went right for that one. While walking to that table, she saw the man again. Her heart jumped for a second. She knew, she just knew she was familiar with those eyes. He looked at her, for a short moment. She passed the other tables and sat down. She didn't want to look again, it might seem rude, maybe he was some kind of a maniac who didn't like women or something…who knew? But then no…she couldn't associate him with any angriness or feelings of hate.

She looked up and immediately down again when she realized he had been looking at her the whole time.

_Who is that?'_Usually she could remember faces quite well...why not his? It must really have been a long time ago.

Jamee finished her salad, and before getting up to return the tray, turned her head to where he was sitting again. She looked up and noticed that he wasn't looking at her then. He was talking with the other patients at his table. She took a closer look. He was not wearing a baseball cap this time, she could see his hair, it actually wasn't as short as she thought it would have to be, he also seemed to have sparse hair on his forehead. She couldn't make out his eye color, something dark though…he had an angular, masculine face. He didn't seem like he had a lot of muscles or anything, but still his physique was definitely a manly one. He had his head turned to the others and was talking and laughing. It was a cute kind of laugh, the way the corner of his mouth moved upwards. Interesting to watch. Then he stopped and looked at her. Jamee was slightly startled, she looked away quickly, grabbed her tray, got up and walked to where the tray return rack was. She put hers in it and quickly walked outside the dining hall.

Jamee spent the afternoon getting some other tests done on her, talking to the superintendent and of course the Army came checking on her.

She knew Colonel Redfield from when he was still a Lieutenant. The first time they had met was when higher officials and friends of her fathers had found out where she was kept. On her first day in the Texas VA hospital, he had come to visit her. And ever since then, he was the one to check on her every now and then and sometimes, just sometimes, he made her come with him to some underground base, with lots of computers, and there she would have to show what she was trained for. He was an okay kind of guy. Not very emotional but he seemed to care enough about her to let her have her freedom while she was on "missions" with him. She was torn in half during those missions…she did love the challenge, the hacking the typing the cracking. on the other hand, she never knew if she really was on the right side, protecting people by her actions, or harming people. They'd rarely tell her why she was doing those things. And if they did, she only knew the basics. They could even lie to her and she could be responsible for killing someone without her knowing. That often gave her restless nights. But she didn't have a choice. They'd tell her what to do and she'd have to do it. She didn't want to think about the consequences that'd await her if she'd disobey them.

When she was about 10, she remembered a "mission" where she absolutely did not want to participate. After all she was a child and the computer part was extremely hard so she was about to give up. They put her in a cell, completely dark, for ten days straight. Nothing but the dark and bread and water. They knew how to get what they wanted from her, and when they wouldn't get it in a halfway nice way, they'd definitely get it in a bad way.

'_No wonder that I feel insane at times'._ She also wondered how she managed to maintain being happy after all that had happened. She blamed it on her mother. She didn't remember much of her, but what she did remember is that, she always smiled, even in the most dangerous situaions…

Colonel Redfield left after a while and when she asked him to bring her something nice next time, he even said he'd think about it if he didn't hear anything negative about her behaviour in the hospital. She obviously wasn't very good at joking.

After the Colonel left, a nurse came to get her. She felt really exhausted but she didn't want to go to her room since the weather outside still seemed so nice and it was still a little time until dinner.

"Please nurse, wouldn't it be possible for me to go outside for a little walk?"

"I'm afraid you won't be allowed to do that darling." she said.

"The superintendent said I could, and I really just want to go for a little walk."

"Listen, this will all be in your files tomorrow, until then, I have to bring you back on the ward, why don't you go to the dayroom and find something to do there?"

"Well…I'd rather stay in my room then and be not disturbed until dinner-"

"You are done for today, in an hour I'm gonna come and get you for dinner, okay?"

"Fine" She said, when they had just arrived in front of her room.

She closed the door, and the nurse was gone.

"As if." she said to herself.

Sneaking around was something she had always been good in. And sneaking around in hospitals was her speciality. So why the heck waste time inside when she could be laying down on some soft grass outside and let the sun shine on her face for a little while. It was always for a little while, since she was kept in the underground facility in Texas, her skin was really pale and she would have to be careful of getting sunburnt.

She went to the nurses station and said to nurse Roberts "Nurse Roberts, if I can't go outside, I would like to go watch some tv."

"Go ahead." the nurse said, and smiled at her.

'Well, this should be fun' she thought to herself, ready to do some exploring in this Los Angeles psych ward of yet another Veterans Administration hospital.

* * *

Okay, so we're still kinda like in the past...but closer to the present, yeah xD And almost there ;) Oh also, if you've been reading the warnings, the next Chapter is full of them! Muahaha ;D


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER 4 - Fault -

I call you up whenever things go wrong.  
You're always there. You are my shoulder to cry on.  
I can't believe it took me quite so long.  
To take the forbidden step.  
Is this something that I might regret?  
I thought that we would just be friends.  
Things will never be the same again.  
It's just the beginning it's not the end.  
Things will never be the same again.  
It's not a secret anymore.  
Now we've opened up the door.  
Starting tonight and from now on.  
We'll never, never be the same again.  
Never be the same again.

- Melanie C.

If only he hadn't done it. But now it was too late. He felt horrible. So Horrible and so good at the same time. Guilt was rising up inside him like waves in the ocean. It came and it went but it never went away… There were so many thoughts in his head, he felt more insane than ever. Was he as sick as they determined he was? He must be...why else would he have been sent to an psychiatric ward of a VA hospital and the others to prison...

One word came to his mind oh so often and it was not "why", he knew why...it was "how".

How could he have done that to her. How could he give in to his feelings like that. How would anyone react if they found out. How did she really feel. How did it all start. And how, for gods sake, how could this whole thing ever have happened.

Every time he kept thinking for hours he came to one conclusion: 'This is so wrong. But it feels so right.'

He was trapped. Between a proper adults (if insane) mind, ethical issues and his feelings for the most wonderful girl in the world. Girl. A girl she was indeed. She was 16 years old, soon to be 17. He was double that age. He was sure he'd have gone completely insane, hadn't she wanted it too. She did want it, too, didn't she? He let himself get weak. A thing he had never let himself get before when it came to her. But with eyes so blue, a voice so sweet and a mind so wonderful he wanted to dig in and suck up every inch of it…he couldn't resist. And all it took was three little words for him to cross a line he never ever would have wanted to cross in his life.

"I want to."

Her angel like voice echoed in his brain and a vision came to his mind.

Her eyes looking at him hungrily yet full of fright of what is going to happen next. Nervousness. Sweat. Sighs. The smell of her hair, of her neck, of her arms...of her stomach. Those angel lips trembling with pleasure and pain at the same time.

The question rose up again. How could he have done it?

His head came crushing in on him with pictures and thoughts, positive and negative both and he just couldn't take it anymore. Screaming, he hit his table, a box of pens fell of it and they were now spread on the floor. He took his chair and threw it across the room, still screaming. Of course it didn't take long till a nurse and a guard came in. He fought. He wrestled him. And the last thing he new, was his anger disappearing and sleep softly releasing him.

It had been two days since it had happened. And neither one of them could get the guts together to talk about it. Murdock knew he should've been the one, but in fright of Jamee's resentment he still was struggling to do so. That day he got up, decided to get his act together and confront her. He needed clarity about this. And he wanted her to be okay more than anything. He hoped he hadn't done any damage to her fragile mind. It was in the evening, when he finally found her. Sitting in the backyard on a bench, reading a book. His stomach began aching and his body acted as if it just wanted to turn around, making it hard for him to get to her. But he continued. His look kept hovering on her. And then…she looked up.

"Can we talk?" He blurted it out.

She eyed him suspiciously, probably thinking about how to react. Her body gave her away though. She was blushing quite a bit. He tilted his head to the side awaiting her response. After about thirty seconds, she closed her book, got up and lead the way. He followed her, not surprised of the choice of grounds she had made for their talk.

They were finally sitting together again. Outside at the spot they'd always sit, under the big tree.

"I'm so horribly sorry Jamee." he began.

She looked at him. Then shook her head lightly.

"There is no need to be sorry for something you gave to me because I wanted it."

"You're 16 sweetheart...you can't know yet if you even wanted that or not."

"Oh so I am still the little child now right?" She sounded aggravated.

"I didn't mean it like that, you are just...so young."

"I am 16 years old. I am not a baby anymore. And I can decide what I want and what not!"

"I understand, I was a teenager too listen..."

"No, you listen Mister! That is your problem. Not accepting that my mind is much older than 16 years. And that's why you blame yourself for doing that, and me being 16. I don't understand Murdock. I thought...I thought it was a wonderful experience and now you ruin it, just because a shitty little thing called age...I give a fuck about age quite frankly! Time doesn't matter to me. I already have a wasted childhood, why waste my adolescence with "what if" questions...I asked you to do it and I...was happy...and I have to say this because...because you make me regret ever letting myself show you those feelings, if it hurts you so bad to accept them."

And then she took off.

„Great…just…great" He whispered angrily.

Murdock was getting…strange. A strange feeling. He was angry, sad and felt loved and hated and…everything came crashing on him, as always in the last days.

He could have run after her but in a mental hospital, that's not exactly the right thing to do if you don't want nurses and guards running after you with spike y needles and shots that'll make you sleep for the rest of the day.

But what did she say? He couldn't accept her love? Only because of the age difference? _Well maybe…_he admitted to himself. But who could blame him? He was in his thirties and she was…16. Legal well yes, but, for him she was still a child in a way. Accept her love? Well, he loved her to death, but…he never really could believe that she could feel the same thing for him. And honestly, it took him a while to understand that his feelings for her were those of a deeper kind. She was just 16 and had never had any experience with love. So, how could he be sure of her love? If he let go and just went for it, in a couple of years she'd be a young woman, wanting to go her own way…he'd be devastated. Was she able to recognize her feelings as those of this strong and endless kind? Honestly, he didn't give a damn about the age really. For him it didn't matter. But for society it did. For her it did. She couldn't know.

All he wanted for her was her to be happy and…someday free. She couldn't be happy if he took her for himself, he thought, and how did she ever have a chance of being free when she was with a group of men being wanted by the government? Did she even understand the kind of conflict this inflicted on him? Wanting something so bad yet knowing that if he took it, he'd only hurt it.

It got late and it was time for dinner, Murdock was still outside. He grew more and more sick of thinking about the matter. He was at a point of mental and physical defeat of his own feelings. In other words, he did not feel like arguing with himself anymore, like he had so often in the past…why was it that this girl always seemed to make him healthier, even when she took off mad?

At dinner, she did not take a look at him.

When he went past her she didn't look up.

He had to talk to her and tell her the truth…but how?

And then suddenly…he had a plan...

He waited, until Jamee left the dayroom where she had went after dinner he found out. She liked to draw lately so he thought he'd go look for her there before he tried to look for her on the ward. He was right. He decided to hide in one of the supply rooms and pray that no one needed anything from in there. He was lucky. When Jamee left, no one else was around. As she passed the door, he swung it open, grabbed her arm and pulled her in, closing the door again. It all went so fast, all that she did was sigh. He pushed her against the wall and…kissed her. He couldn't hold back anymore. He kissed her like no other woman he had kissed before, he realized that. At first she kept her lips shut but when he didn't let go and continued pressing his lips against hers, she gave in and they kissed like they had a week before. He was shaking with pleasure and had to hold her up since it seemed like her knees started to give in. When they broke lose, they were both breathing heavily. He looked at her face. Her bright blue eyes looked away shyly. Her cheeks flushed with a beautiful shade of pink. Her blonde hair in a little ponytail was now definitely ruined. It took him quite a second to come to his mind.

"Look at me Jamee."

She did.

"How could you ever think, that I wouldn't love each and every inch of you?"

She stared at him. The stare that he'd known since she was a little girl.

"You tell me," She said "I just want to be with you." she whispered.

His breathing grew heavy again. It was hard for him to open up in this way, but here was no turning back, because this was just the tip of the iceberg. He had already crashed and now it was time to start swimming as good as he could, without a life vest and no harbour in sight.

"I'm so sorry. It's my fault. But you…"

"Stop," she interrupted him, "this is not about fault."

"Jamee you have to understand, I may be someone who is wanted by law, but now, I am someone who did break the law in one of the worst kind of ways." He looked down on the ground.

"Who cares? Who do you think will find out? No one will. The other guys won't, if we behave normal around them."

"It's not that easy. We're behaving differently even now…you just don't see it Missy."

"Don't call me Missy right now."

"Sorry…old habit." he winked at her, noticeably relaxing the situation.

"But H.M." Her voice slightly shaking with fear, fear of losing him or having to pretend last week never happened…"how do we go on now?"

"That's a good question and I…I..."

For a while it was silent, they just stared into each others eyes. They could hear clacking footsteps come closer.

"Shit" he hissed. "okay, I'd better go now…will you meet me outside tonight, at the tree again?"

"Yes." she smiled and off he took.

"Mr. Murdock, what have you done in that supply room? Mr. Murdock! Stay here! Mr. Murdock!"

Jamee smiled. That was all that she could hear through the door of the supply room. The ward was now busy catching him once again and she could just stroll back to her room as if nothing had happened.

It got late and Jamee prepared her way outside. The nurses took their turns at certain hours, and for that case she had prepared a wig and pillows. The same thing Murdock would do. The nurses here…they have more important things to do then to check on you more than they need…a sad thing she found out being on a psych ward.

Murdock already waited for her. In the dark, his face looked like it did eleven years ago. It reminded her of Vietnam a lot. But then again it made her feel…so strange. Like she liked him a thousand times more than she did anyways. She loved him in the dark, to be honest. There was nothing sexier or cuter about his face when his glaring eyes stared at her, yet his face was partly covered with shadows.

"I'm here." she said

"I wouldn't have expected anything else." he said "Sneaking around really is your speciality."

He patted on the empty spot of grass next to him. "Come sit with me?" He asked.

She sat down.

It was quiet for a while, then he started talking.

"Once, when I was still a young boy, there was this girl, in my home town. We were best friends and really close. I guess I'd call her my high school sweetheart. We went to school together and hung out everyday. Her old man, he didn't particularly like me. We were young and stupid and in love and I probably would have done anything for her. One day it turned out she'd gotten pregnant from me. We were both kinda shocked and didn't know what to do. We were just too young I guess. But soon we decided to keep the baby. We did something we shouldn't have done and we were gonna take the consequences. When we went to prom, she was 4 months pregnant and I proposed to her, because that's what you did back then when you got a girl pregnant you know. Besides, I thought I loved her very deeply. That night, her father found out. He got so angry, he beat her and…he killed my son. Everything of course was out now. Everybody knew. My grandmother tried to protect me but it's hard to protect a 17 year old boy when you're 80. Her father came with some of his friends and they beat the living shit out of me…

I can't blame her, I realized with the years. She was young and scared. I felt helpless. Especially since I had enlisted in the Army and now would have to wait for my broken bones to heal before I could leave for service. We were at the same hospital. I went to visit her in her room, on crutches of course. I have never seen a person cry this hard before then. She went crazy and I felt so horrible because it was all my fault, I felt. She got pregnant because of me, beat up because of me and now…she was telling me to leave and never to come back again and that…she hated me. She did mean a lot to me. When I told her I'd be leaving for basic training after this, she didn't even look at me. When I told her that…I loved her, she told me to leave. Her father was arrested by the police shortly after that…he was an alcoholic and it turned out he beat her mother almost to death as well. When I got out of the hospital, I wanted to visit her, and talk about it all you know. When I was standing in front of her house, it was empty and a "for sale" sign was hanging on the mailbox. She was gone. She had left without talking to me again, or maybe even giving me the new address. I was devastated, I have to admit. It did make it easier to leave for basic training though. I had lost the girl that I loved and a baby boy who was taken his right to live before he even had the strength to live on his own. I thought about it a lot when I was in Vietnam. A lot of the guys did have wives and children back at home. I wondered what it would be if we had gotten married and we'd have had our son.

When the guys were sent to prison and I was sent to the VA hospital, I thought about it in a different way. I was kinda relieved that, nobody would have to worry about me. I wouldn't have seen my son in a long time and even then, what son would be proud to have a dad in a VA hospital…and even now…I risk my life on these missions. So after Vietnam and after a while in the VA hospital, I decided love for me, wasn't gonna work out, and it does make it easier, to run risky operations when you know nobody is going to miss you when you're gone."

"Your talking B.S."

His eyes widened._ What?!_

"I'm not going to judge you by this story. I do understand the tragic of it. I do understand she was only a year older than I am now…but Murdock. This is a different life. Very different. I may be 16 years old, that's what my birth certificate would tell people, if I still had one…but…the way my life went, makes me feel like a 30 year old sometimes…I understand you want to make it clear how things can change when drastic occurrences happen. And I understand that you must've felt so alone when you left for Vietnam and when your grandmother died. But…you have to understand that…"

She slid in front of him, grabbing his face with both hands.

"…you are not alone anymore."

She kissed his forehead, like she had in Vietnam back then.

Murdock closed his eyes.

When he opened them, he could see hints of a smile on her face.

"It's too late now," she said "might as well give in Captain."

Looking at her innocent face, he couldn't believe that she was his. And for a moment, he put the feelings of guilt and wrongfulness aside, put his hands on her sides and pulled her closer. She placed her hands on his neck. And they kissed.

"You're shaking." He noticed.

"I'm cold." She simply said.

It was quiet again. Murdock was softly stroking her back and she nuzzled into his neck. He knew she waited for him to say it. Should he? Or more, could he?

"I'm waiting." She whispered, running a line with her index finger from his neck to his belly. How could a 16 year old with no prior experience be so seductive?

"I'm not sure what you want to hear." He could literally feel her rolling her eyes on him. It made him smirk.

"Think of something and then I'll let you know whether you're close or not."

"Do you want my jacket?"

"No."

"Want me to rub your arms?"

"No."

"Then...think about something hot?"

"Closer."

He took a deep breath.

"Wanna go inside?"

"Yes." She whispered, a hint of anticipation coming from her.

They got up and he could feel how cold it had gotten. No wonder she was freezing. They made their way inside on different paths, making sure they'd not get caught together if either one of them had some unwanted company coming for them.

They agreed on meeting in his room in 5 minutes. That was when the nurses made their last round for the night. Exactly 5 minutes and 36 seconds later, he opened his door at the sound of her scratching very lightly against it. She came in and he closed the door silently. She stood in the middle of his room, bare feet, wearing a tank top and long pyjama pants, her hair a little messy, from pretending to be asleep in her bed. The only light in the room was that of the moon and a small little lamp next to his bed. He came closer to her. She opened her arms and they hugged. He could feel her heart pound against his chest.

Murdock had to hold himself back. The girl had no prior experiences than that one night they spent a week ago. But the sight of her and the thoughts of that special night made it hard for him to keep his body controlled and not confront her with obvious signs of arousal. He knew it would take her a while to get used to it. She looked up to him, right in his eyes and then, they kissed. It started an innocent kiss but soon it became more, when suddenly pushed her back a little and stopped the kiss.

"Jamee" he must have looked as if he was in great pain "I'm warning you now, I'm not gonna be able to hold myself back anymore if you keep...kissing me like this."

She gained her breath and said "I don't want you to hold yourself back, H.M." she sighed at the touch of his hand on her neck "I...I want to be close to you."

He knew what that meant and now, the signs of his body couldn't have been any clearer. Jamee must have felt it. Maybe she didn't mind at that moment but it was a strange mood because he knew she didn't like it when his arousal was obvious to her in that way, yet he wanted to have her so bad, all of her, now. He softly laid her on the bed and kissed her. They were laying next to each other, since he knew not to be too fast with this because she was still a bit scared. His talented hands slid under her shirt and started to caress her belly. Jamee sighed. She lay her arms around him as good as she could and tried to hold back her moaning.

"You allright?" he asked.

"Yeah."

He smiled, yet he was surprised when he felt her soft hands doing the same thing to his belly, and even going further by pulling up the shirt.

'"...off." she whispered in his ear.

He took his shirt off and she looked at him in amazement. He lowered himself next to her again and she lifted her chin up to kiss him. The kiss was so passionately,he forgot everything else around them. He let his hand slide under her pants, reaching a special place...

"H.M." She whispered, a tiny hint of fear in her voice.

"It's alright darling, it will feel good soon." he said, staying focused on not losing his mind.

He worked his way around her and before she knew it she was laying there naked, him only wearing his underwear since he knew she couldn't handle the sight of his...well, friend, that well yet.

Jamee was getting really wet now and Murdock was trying his best not to rush things, which seemed incredibly hard for him right now.

She breathed heavily into his ear

"H.M...that...it feels good now..."

"told ya..." he whispered. In his head, he wondered if she'd be ready for him to go down on her yet and if he might just wanna give it a try. He knew she didn't have an Orgasm last time for various reasons. Mostly because halfway through he came to his grips and realized what he was doing.

He lowered his lips next to her ear and whispered

"Jamee, I can show you...a real good feeling if you let me do something..."

"What, you put it in me now?" She looked at him innocently...he realized for a moment, that she was actually way too innocent for this...how could he...well there was now way back now...

"No I, see...I would like to...kiss you..."

She closed her eyes and came closer. He kissed her lips but then he softly spoke into her ear.

"I want to kiss you somewhere else than your sweet little mouth."

She stopped for a second, as if thinking about what he had just said.

Murdock didn't hesitate and made use of her being confused for a second. He slowly made his way down her body, leaving a kissing trail from her neck to her belly button and lower...

"H.M!" She whispered louder now "what are you doing?!"

He looked up at her, still not having seen anything he wanted to see so badly.

"I told, I wanted to kiss you...somewhere else. Trust me hun, you will like it, it won't hurt."

"But...you can't...I don't want you...you can...don't look there..."

"Why not?" He asked her innocently, inches away from what he desired.

"It's..." she took a long pause and then a deep breath "naughty..." she whispered.

Murdock shifted his weight, and came up to her, lying next to her again.

"Listen, I won't make you do anything you don't want to okay? But you know, it's not like I've been doing this on a daily basis so honey...I'm sorry if I scared you."

He kissed her on the cheek, she looked at him, in the moonlight, he could see her age, he thought about it briefly, but then realized, it didn't mean anything to him because she had the most beautiful face he had ever seen and he couldn't ever say no to anything she wanted from him. Murdock lifted his arm and lightly stroked alongside her face with his left hand, stopping at her lips, and brushing them softly with his thumb.

"It's just that, you make me...crazy...but, in a good way." He placed a kiss on her lips.

He heard her heart beat fast now and her anticipation had returned it seemed. She put an arm around his back, dragging herself closer to him, whispering in his ear...

"I'm just discovering this side of me, so I appreciate your concern..." she took a deep breath as his hand stroke up and down her back while she was talking "...I'm just a bit scared that maybe, I won't be good enough for you, because I have only done this...with you...once..."

He was surprised.

"That's what you're worried about? You not being good enough for me? Jamee...honey you...I can't believe this...really? I mean...what could a guy like me ever, ever, ever ask more than being here right now with...a girl like you?..." he draw back a little, to get a better look at her face. "Look at me darlin'..."

Jamee did.

"...there is nothing of you, that wouldn't be good enough for me, because...each and everything is perfect about you. Don't you ever think anything else."

She stared at him. A stare o so familiar, but this time, her lips turned into a beautiful deep smile. Then she lifted herself to get closer to his position, as he'd been leaning on his arm. And with three simple words, Jamee made him lose every inch of restraint which was once holding him back to do the wonderful things he wanted to do with her for so long.

"H.M...I want you."

They shared a kiss, so sweet, so desperate, that it was hard to not forget where they actually were, and that they had to at least stay a little quiet. He positioned himself atop of her and this time, Jamee readily spread her legs for him to fit in. With a simple move he removed the last piece of fabric seperating them and then he lowered himself on her, slowly, painfully. Jamee winced when she realized he was really close to her, down there.

"Ready?" He whispered, holding himself back as good as he could. He thought it was weird to ask but he didn't want to push her in any way. And for another painful 10 seconds or so, he awaited her approval of this horribly wrong thing.

"...yes..." was all she said, then she closed her eyes.

He came down to earth for a second, when he felt his tip touching her, finding his way in as if nothing in the world was more meant to be than this. She flinched when he pushed inside with a little force.

"You okay?" he asked.

"...yeah" she said, still keeping her eyes shut.

Murdock felt "her" cling around "him" and it was extremely hard for him not to just start thrusting too fast too soon. It didn't make it easier that he couldn't get inside deeper...her body wasn't used to being handled this way and it yet had to adjust. He wasn't too distracted though to not notice she had to...adapt herself to him before he could go any further. The last time they did this, it was not any different. They remained for a moment, when she opened her eyes and he looked at her whispering

"I will try to put it in all the way now, okay?"

"yes..." she whispered back at him. He was positive that he could hear the uncertainty in her voice, but he couldn't get rid of the feeling that it was too late to stop right now.

When he slid in all the way, he let out a little growl, he didn't remember it being so good. He thought nothing could top that first time he did this but this time, it seemed even sweeter. It made him feel so good yet it was so forbidden. He wanted this so bad. He wanted her.

Jamee sighed and he lowered himself to hear right ear.

"Baby please let me know if it hurts too much, I don't wanna be hurtin' you."

"...it's...fine" she sighed. "I want...this."

"I know." he said, slowly pulling out and pushing back in again, finding his rhythm. With her, it was so easy. It was as if their bodies were meant to come together. It felt incredible. Like nothing he had felt before. They didn't take the usual time to adjust to the rhythm of each other, they were the rhythm.

"Is it better now?" He whispered.

"...good" she moaned quietly.

It reassured him that he was doing well. He fastened his pace, making it even more enjoyable for the both of them. Jamee's reaction was a welcomed one.

"Ahhh." she moaned.

"Shhhh." he put a finger over her lips, then started moving fast again.

"Mmm." a soft squeaking sound escaped her closed lips.

They went on for a while, enjoying the sin, when Jamee put her hands on his upper arms.

"H..M..." she whispered.

"Yeah."

"It feels...strange it's...so hot...I'm so hot."

He had to think about it for a second, then he smiled, realizing that he didn't get as bad in this as he'd thought he had.

"That's okay sweetheart, it's a good thing, just let it get hot."

What else should he have said to her to make it easier? He was ready to climax the minute he pushed into her all the way, so he had to focus on not spoiling the fun too early. If he'd been a teenager again, this would've been all over by now. He decided to help the situation and positioned his hips a little higher,slowly starting to thrust faster.

"Ah!" she moaned again. "H..M..I..it's...what is..."

"Shhhh" was the only sound he could make when he felt "her" getting tighter and tighter. He was afraid he wouldn't make it 'til "the end".

But then, reality hit him when she started breathing really fast and a series of not too quiet moans escaped her lips, the only thing he knew to do was put his mouth over hers for a deep kiss so hopefully the nurses wouldn't hear any of it should they be passing by. Jamee's back arched and he felt that familiar feeling of a well done job around himself. She instinctively pushed herself against him again and again with waves of pleasure, he couldn't help but let go of this tension and let himself release at the rhythm of her body forcing that movement out of him...he felt every bit of him joining her and finally had to react quickly to not fall on her and crush her...this was too intense. This whole thing was so...intense.

He caressed her back while her head was resting on his chest. Jamee was completely worn out and he couldn't say he was exactly fit at the moment. But he felt so...relaxed. At peace with the world. This was a precious moment and he enjoyed it. He was happy.

"H.M.?" Jamee whispered.

"yes, my darling?"

"I had...an orgasm - didn't I?"

He could feel her head bumping on his chest from his chuckling. The girl was too sweet. But after all he couldn't blame her for not knowing. How in the world could she?

"What!?" She whispered, a bit louder now, obviously getting insecure about his chuckling.

He quickly calmed himself. Thank god the Army had taught him self control...

"Yes, yes hun I think that was it." He smiled at her, realizing that this could get pretty interesting since she practically knew nothing about Sex.

"Why were you laughing?" she asked reproachfully.

"It's just, you said it in such a cute way babe." He kissed her forehead.

"Oh...alright...well, I'm happy." she said, putting her head back on his chest with a smile.

Murdock smiled. After all, behind the cover of being a grown up and behind her genius mind, this "woman" still was a little girl somewhere in her head, he knew that. Weren't they all? But this time, it didn't bother him, it just raised the feeling of needing to protect her.

"I'm glad." He whispered, feeling her smile on his chest.

And then...his mind went blank. He'd been thinking about so many things those past days and now...it was gone. He was relieved. It didn't take him even five seconds after he realized that she fell asleep, to fall asleep himself as well.

* * *

Sooo yeah. *Awkward silence*** **Don't look at me, I told you this was wrong! This is what an insane brain can produce when it's thoughts are let free over two glasses of delicious red wine. So, the dirty part has started, and it shall not stop. But it won't get any smuttier or something, don't worry. This is as wrong as it gets :D


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER 5 - Despair -

Well I didn't mean for this to go as far as it did  
And I didn't mean to get so close and share what we did  
And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did  
And you didn't mean to love me back, but I know you did

- Plain White T's

It was noon the next day, when they were in Murdock's room and his phone rang. Jamee was reading a book, looking up while he was going for the phone. He picked up.

"Operator?"

"Murdock, we've got a case. I'm coming to pick you up in an hour. We're gonna need Jamee's help too. Tell her to get ready. I'll be waiting outside in an hour."

"Yes sir, that'll be 5,20$ please drive up to the next window."

"Murdock!"

"All right all right, I got it. Gee, you're no fun."

"Well, YOU are crazy."

He hung up and turned to Jamee.

"That was Face, we got an hour."

"We?"

"Looks like you're needed, too missy." he gave her a wink.

Jamee was excited. It had been a while since they had brought her for a mission. Especially one where she got to go with them from the beginning on. They tried to prevent hospital staff to find out she and Murdock were actually missing at the same time, which of course, didn't work, but at least she wasn't missing as often as him. Mostly Jamee got back a little earlier or left a little later. Sometimes she didn't have to leave overnight or she could just leave again a day later. But the staff had a close eye on the both of them. That didn't stop them from ever making it to a job though. Jamee got up from the bed and closed her book with a loud thud.

„So, what's the plan?"

„Looks like I will behave even crazier than normal and Face is gonna tell them he needs to get me to this special hospital in order to get rid of the virus or something…" he took a pause, just a bit too long "about you…will you be able to find your way out on your own?"

"They've blocked my last way to escape…but of course, I wouldn't be myself hadn't I been a total pro and found a way around it." She grinned smugly.

"Genius as always." he gave her a big smile. "Okay, go get ready, he's gonna be there in an hour."

He turned around but she didn't go. Walking towards his back, she hesitantly spread her arms, as if wanting to grab him, but then, she wrapped both of them around his waist, burying her head in his back. He grabbed her hands with his, freed himself from her grip and turned around to look at her.

"…not fair..." he mumbled. He seemed nervous. Was yesterday night troubling him like their first night did?

She looked at him, with her big blue eyes, a small strand of her blonde hair was hanging over her left eye. He gently brushed it away, but let his hand rest on the side of her face. She took his hand in hers and pressed it lightly against her skin. Then he took a deep breath and exhaled with his eyes closed.

"Don't make me beg for your love." she whispered, while turning her head to look out the window. There was a definite tension in the room, a strange vibe of guilt and pleasure.

She could see something in his face was different. It was as if he had an inner fight going on which she hoped, his affectionate side would win. She gave his hand a light squeeze and then, without a moment of hesitation, he gave in and kissed her. She closed her eyes, but all he did was give her a quick smack on the lips. What was that all about? That's all? She wanted to ask but he had freed himself from her grip already, turned around and started to pack.

"Well...see you in an hour." she said, confused about what just had happened.

"See'ya" he said, continuing to pack his things.

She walked out the door and closed it quietly. How bad had she wanted to know what was going on inside him. Didn't he love her after all? Were feelings of guilt still troubling him? She was sour now. How could he regret what they had done? Was it so bad to be with her? Was night time the only time he could show his affection towards her? She wiped her wet eyes before a tear could escape them and quickly went back to her own room.

Escaped successfully, the two of them were now accompanying Face in the Corvette. And that was the light version of picturing it, because she was practically sitting on both of their laps.

"Do you mind letting me drive Jamee?!" Face's reaction to her knee thudding against his for the hundredth time wasn't quite pleased.

"Well it's not my fault you drive a car in which only two people can sit! Who does that? Doesn't make sense to me-"

"This is a supreme car Jamee, a car, that shows sophistication, a social status symbol, my-"

"You know what Templeton, I think you chose a car with only two seats, so whenever you come in the situation where a woman has friends with her, you know, another lady friend or even some other guy, you can be like "ooops sorry, only have space for one person" and then you'll take the woman with you and whatever nuisance was in the way – voilá Facenator the predator got his prey alone, once again."

Face and Murdock simultaneously looked at her in shock. Jamee never said things like this. She wasn't supposed to. She was Jamee. Not some woman. Just Jamee. She noticed that both of them looked pretty stumped. But she didn't care. _'What the hell did I just say?_' She thought to herself.

"I mean…uhm…so that's why, I mean, I'm sorry but your car was not made for springing both of us out of the hospital at the same time so deal with my knee against yours."

And as Jamee had thought it would end up now, an awkward silence was present throughout the rest of the drive. Great.

They were all sitting in the client's foyer. Foyer because the place they were at, was a mansion. The woman in her mid-forties must have been really wealthy. Jamee could spot a pool looking out of window at the other side of the room. Somewhere in the background, where her mind was not listening to pretty well Hannibal explained the plan.

"So it's set. Face and Jamee go check out his company profile, the one from the FBI and look for other suspicious files they can find..."

Jamee made a face, she hated hacking in the FBI's system, especially from a different computer than hers. It was a pain in the a...butt. Oh well.

"...Murdock and B.A. go find out what's going on in that company of the man and I will accompany Mrs. Winchester to her husbands club."

"Ohhh B.A. it's gonna be so much fun, us two boys, lingering around and spyin' out this secret company, seeing if maybe he hoards alien eggs or something inside the corridors of the…"

"Shut up fool! Hannibal! I ain't gonna go with that crazy man!"

"Oh come ooon! It's gonna be great!"

Hannibal turned to them ignoring both of their attitudes.

"All set?" Eyeing them with a harsh face individually "well then, let's go."

All dressed up, Face and Jamee were on their way to Hayford inc., a company, Jamee knew, was one of the technically best equipped ones, and had some of the fastest computers of the world in their hands. It was basically a Disney Land for nerds like her.

"See the corvette isn't that bad. We'll be there in no time."

"I don't hate the car Face, I'm sorry about earlier. Dunno what that was."

"Hey, it's ok. Probably just a bad day, huh?"

"Yeah…probably." She leaned her ellbow on the passenger's door and leaned her head against it.

She was thinking about him. They had been apart a little less than an hour now and she wondered what he was doing.

When they arrived at the complex, Jamee automatically went into operational mode.

"Ok so, what's the plan?" she didn't look at Face, just asked the question.

Well I'm the new Janitor and I caught you trying to smuggle out some parts. I am going to take you to your boss and inform him of it.

"My boss is?"

"Mr. Richards."

"Got it."

Walking into the building Face put on one of his best shows, Jamee thought, and in no time, they had located a room with a computer Jamee could use.

"Okay, he does have an FBI file, but it's classified and not even accessible for upper FBI management. It will take some time."

"Alright, I'll watch the door."

Seeing her in her "operating mode" was still strange for Face. He was used to it by now but still, her face went blank, her whole posture changed. And her attitude became practically non-existent. She was a shell filled with government information on how to ruin the world if she had to. No wonder they made sure to keep her in a military hospital.

After about thirty minutes, Jamee had the files.

"I'm finished." She said.

"Okay, let's get out of here then."

Back at Mrs. Winchesters Mansion, they were the first ones, Mrs. Winchester handed them some ice tea and told them they could sit outside and relax until the others arrived, if they wanted. They gladly accepted.

They were sitting at a table on the patio which was near the pool. The patio was nice. It's floor was all made out of almost white nature stone tiles. Jamee liked it a lot. Just about three feet more the nicely cultivated lawn started to cover all of the huge backyard. She was thinking about taking off her shoes and just walking on it barefoot. She missed the feeling of those tiny blades of grass around her toes. She took a sip of the cold peach ice tea and when she put the glass down, looked at the pearls of water which had formed on the outside of the glass, glancing in the sunlight. It was a pretty warm day and even Face had taken off his suit jacket revealing him wearing a white short sleeved button-down shirt.

"You're awfully quiet today Jamee, really now, what's the matter?"

"Me? Quiet?" She started playing with the straw in her glass, making the ice cubes dance around it slowly.

"Well, yes. Ever since I got you guys from the hospital you were just really quiet you know. Did I get the right Jamee?"

She smiled.

"Templeton."

"Yes."

"See, I'm reading this book right now, and in it, this woman, she falls in love with a man…"

"Is that why you behave so strange? You're starting to like boys now? Hahhh but you're so young! Well you're growing up I understand but I swear if there's someone who hurt you-"

"Templeton please, it's a book!"

He went quiet. So Face thought she was too young as well. Awesome.

"Anyways…" she continued "so she falls in love with him, but he, he comes from a rich family, and his mother does not want him to date her likes. He does love her, at least he tells her, but he thinks its best for him to stay away from her. For their own sakes, you know. I'm still reading so I dunno the end but, I was wondering, you know, because it seems that love…is such an illogical thing, well I was wondering, if he is right, if it's best to separate, you know, not getting deeper in the whole 'in-love' thing. Of course, I have never been in love, so, how would I know, but…have you ever been in a situation like that?"

"Well…it's a hard decision…" his expression was serious "See Jamee, love can be both absolutely beautiful and extremely terrible at the same time. Of course it seems logical for the two of them to split so they avoid certain troubles but…as Franklin P. Jones once said 'Love doesn't make the world go round – love is what makes the ride worthwhile.'"

She looked up at him now, the straw still in her hand. He smiled shyly. That was just Face. She almost expected a quote. It made her smile.

"Hey you guys, what'cha doin' out here? B.A. and I grabbed some food so come in and have some."

Jamee jumped for a second when she heard him call. She didn't look over to him though.

"Be right there!" Face yelled back at him.

"Let's go shall we?" He turned to her and smiled. She smiled as well, taking his arm as they went inside joining the others at the table in the kitchen.

"Hey girl, how did it go?" B.A. was obviously glad to see her.

"Good good, I got all the info we need." She gave him a quick smile.

"That's good." He grabbed a burger and held it in front of her "here, eat something, you look like you could use some."

"Ah, thanks B.A. but I'm not really hungry right now, maybe later."

"Eat something kid, there might be no time later."

Everybody turned around, it was Hannibal, all torn up and bleeding from his lips.

"Hannibal!" They exclaimed in unison.

"What happened?"

"Are you okay Mr. Smith?"

"I'm fine you guys, but we should sit down and talk and work out a plan, because things got a tiny bit more difficult than before."

"We're screwed." Face complained.

"Cheer up Lieutenant, I already have something in mind." Showing them his typical grin, they all knew what was going on…Hannibal was on the Jazz yet once again.

They all sat down at the table.

"So what happened Hannibal?" Face asked.

Hannibal started explaining. Apparently the husband thought Mrs. Winchester already had people working for her, so he had this huge group of bouncers who gave Hannibal a hard time and all…

Jamee wasn't listening. Still thinking about the words Face had said, she just stared at Hannibal. When suddenly Murdocks' foot softly bumped against her leg.

She looked at him, stumped because he had snapped her out of her daydream.

He motioned to the food in front of her. Who had put it there? Was it him? She hadn't even noticed. She looked at him and lightly shook her head. The last thing she felt like was adding food to her already troubled stomach. When she shook her head he gave her a meaningful look, opening his eyes very wide and signalising her to at least have a bite. He looked serious.

'_If you only knew, that looking at you makes my stomach even tighter' _she thought to herself, feeling like her stomach was filled with stones.

She gave him an excusing look and blushed. Turning away she could hear him exhale the way someone exhales when he or she isn't pleased with something at all. _Well thank you for showing me that it's my fault you're feeling guilty now...what am I supposed to do?!' _She thought to herself, a little agitated now.

Hannibal finished his story and started telling them about the plan.

"Jamee, we're gonna need you to hack into the companys system and completely crash it without losing the data. We're gonna need them later."

"So basically you want me to freeze the whole thing?"

"If you want to put it that way…yes." He gave her a grin, a cigar in his mouth.

A while later they had planned out all the details. Hannibal gave them an hour to get ready. Jamee went and got her equipment out of the van with B.A. helping her. Back inside she asked the woman in her mid-forties for her help.

"Mrs. Winchester, I'm going to need a room in your house which has an outlet for the tv-antenna cable."

"Oh sure, let me show you where it is."

Following Mrs. Winchester with B.A. behind them, Jamee looked around. The house was beautiful. Wide corridors, the nicest paintings she had seen in a while, family photographs and here and there some nice potted plants. They passed a dresser with a mirror on the wall behind it, she took a quick glance – she really did not look too well. But she wasn't feeling that bad, she thought.

The room suited for her needs was actually one of the guest rooms. A nice one, with a big bed in it, a dresser, a desk and a chair and a painting of the ocean, in which the beach seemed almost to be completely of white, powdered sand. The walls were painted a light yellow shade and the floor was brown carpet. The lamp was one of those that were integrated in a fan. It really was a nice room. She spread her equipment partly on the desk, partly on the floor and allowed herself to open the window, in order to let in some fresh air.

"Well, I'll be fine on my own from here, thank you very much." she told them.

"Just let me know when you need something."

"Thank you Mrs. Winchester, I will."

B.A. and Mrs. Winchester left the room.

'_Okay, I got this' _she thought to herself _'I'll just need to prepare the crash here and then it should work fine when I'm there with the guys.'_

Everything went smooth, even the cracking of several passwords for the system that controls the whole company. The plan was that she would get the info, prepare the crash and then wait. When the call came she would make her way to the company by taking the Corvette. Good thing that B.A. taught her how to drive, and even Face had let her drive the Corvette on a couple of occasions – though she knew it was only so she wouldn't crash it in situations like these.

She felt numb. As much as she loved being around the guys and being able to help them, there was always a strange feeling in her stomach. She decided to go get a glass of water.

She quickly checked if the computer was still running ok, then opened the door to the darker corridor and took a few slow steps when

"hhh!" she was startled and realized she had run into someone. Quickly she tried to push. That's when that somebody grabbed her forearms, spun her around and led her back into the room.

She stared into his brown eyes. He smelt good. The leather of his jacket, the detergent of his shirt, his breath, and even some remains of his aftershave…they all mixed so nicely when she breathed them in from is warm body.

"I dunno how to start." He said.

"Then don't" she replied, slightly in trance of his presence, putting her arms around his neck and pulling him closer.

"Don't" he said, softly but determinedly pushing her away.

She hesitated for a moment. But then she let go of him and sat down on the bed. He kept on standing in front of her, a very strange look on his face.

"Look…I'm sorry about last night, I-"

"Ohhhh no, not again." She interrupted him. He gave her a questioning look. "I knew it. I knew it. Is it so horrible to be with me? Why do you even bother to come here to tell me?"

"Listen! You haven't even let me finish!"

The mood was tense now. Within seconds it had swung from affection to anger.

"Well of course not because I know what's coming!"

"What makes you so sure of that?"

"Oh only about the last ten-thousand times you did this!" tears started swelling up in her eyes again, but she would sure as hell not let a single one run down her face in front of him. That stupid idiot!

He walked towards the window, then back to the bed again.

"Listen Jamee…" he was much quieter now. "…I-…We…just can't do this. I have so much going on in my head and this is giving me quite a hard time but…I don't want it to affect you. Not the way you are right now. The drive here, not eating again and all that is…I don't want that happening to you…and especially not if it's my fault. And don't say it's not because I know it is…I know it is…" he put his hand on the back of his neck, gripping it, while looking down on the ground.

"We can't and we shouldn't is all I ever hear from you, and yet we end breaking all the can'ts and shouldn'ts and rules and whatever it is that concerns you so much more than us just being happy by being ourselves over and over again!"

"This isn't about the damn rules Jamee, it's about your well-being!"

"Well my so called well-being gives a polite fuck to be quite honest!"

"You just don't understand…" he looked at her very sternly, but his body language showed his weakness. The fight within him had always been so much worse than the one within her.

"No…" she sniffled, the damn tear winning the race with her hand and rolling down her cheek, "no, you don't understand H.M.. And at this point…I don't think you ever will."

She didn't look up to see him being torn between leaving and pulling her as close as he can to comfort her and make her tears stop. She also didn't see the desperate look on his face when he left the room. But through the irritably fast heartbeat in her ears, she heard the dragging of his footsteps. A monotone sound, which could easily be mistaken for someone who had just gotten up and left the room for breakfast.

But it didn't matter. Always place the mission first. That was something the both of them had learned a long time ago. And it was an unspoken rule between the two of them especially when they were on them.

The boys had left and Jamee was sitting on the bed of the guest room, waiting impatiently for her sign. Her arms around her knees, she dropped in and out of reality, leaving blurry images projected on the wall in front of her.

It was as if her brain randomly threw different scenes from her life on the wall. They all seemed to be in a backwards order though. She saw what had just happened in the hallway and in the room, she saw herself kissing Murdock in the VA, drawing in the VA, talking to Dr. Richter, talking to her favorite nurse Jenny, she saw herself crying helplessly in the shower and remembered the headache she had after crying for the first time in years, she saw their last mission, and the mission before that, and some more before them, she saw their first dinner together at one of Face's places, she saw herself entering the van, meeting the team for the first time since Vietnam, she saw Murdock, playing with the wheelchair and seeing her for the first time since Vietnam, she saw herself move to Los Angeles, leave Texas, leave the hands of the government run project, leave Vietnam, she saw herself saying goodbye to Murdock at the hospital in Vietnam, talking to him at night, seeing him being rushed in the hospital, bleeding, she saw her dad telling her about going to Vietnam, a few scenes from nicer days, with grandparents, a tricycle, a ball being tossed over the greenest grass she had ever seen and the last image she saw, was her mother's face, bent over her, smiling opening her mouth to say something that seemed like –

-beep beep beep beep-

She looked up, ripped from her strange daydream, she took the device that made the unnerving sound in her hands and turned off the alarm. It was 6:30 pm.

She took a quick glance over to the computers and other equipment, reassuring her that everything was still set as before. Then, she took her jacket with a few small pieces of equipment in the pockets, the car keys and, with her mind switching to operating mode, left the house.

It was a peaceful drive to the premises. Sometimes, she was glad her brain could switch into this state of mind, her military mind, so easily. No feelings, no worries, nothing. Just the job that she is about to do.

Arriving at her destination, she parked the Corvette outside the premises and made her way around the building. It didn't take long for her to find a way in, causing a short disturbance in the security camera nearby by using a transmitter. Thank god for her ability to climb, and thank the fence industry for making fences that could be cut easily with the right tongues. The next step was opening one of the emergency exit doors. Lock picking had gotten harder these days, she noticed. It took her a little while until she could successfully open the door without the alarm going off.

Inside she found herself in an almost dark hallway. The lights were out but there were some tiny windows here and there. She quickly pressed a button on her control device she had built especially for this mission, giving the others the signal of her being inside the company now. Then she made her way down the hallway, up some stairs and, faster than she'd expected, found the room with the servers for the company's network. She did her thing, mechanically, switching on an off, unplugging, and plugging chords into different outlets than before. Step one seemed to have gone pretty good.

Step two, basically was to find the computer room she and Face had been to before and do the rest it took to save the data yet to make the network and servers useless for as long as she wanted.

On the way, she only had to hide once, because somebody apparently was still working at this time. Everybody else was gone. She opened the door to the room she was looking for. Inside she gave her second signal to B.A., letting him know she was at the final point.

It was 7:31 pm, when she routinely booted up the system. It was 7:33 when the door to the room was violently kicked in, she quickly pressed one of the abort buttons on one of her devices and looked up to see a gun pointed at her.

"You better not move a single inch lady, or I'll blow your brains out."

A tall man, wearing a grey suit was standing across her. He must have had black hair when he was younger, but most of it was already flecked with gray. He had a mustache, too. Behind him, were 2 men, even taller and much more muscular than him. They were carrying guns as well.

"Hand over the device!" the older man in front of her said.

"They are all behind me, why don't you go get it yourself." She calmly said, crouching on the floor in the same position she had when they entered the room.

"You know what I am talking about." He motioned his gun to her pocket.

'_Damn it,_' she thought '_How does a person like him know what this is?_'

"I'm telling you lady, hand over the device. If you have trouble finding it, my friends here will be glad to assist you."

She looked at the two big guys again. And when she calculated all the options of a possible escape, she realized that right now, there was no way out of this, except maybe to jump out of the window.

"Go get it." the old guy said.

The two of them came towards her.

"Stop! I'll…give it to you…." she said. The thought of being touched by those freaks sent unpleasant shivers down her spine.

The old guy put his gun down and came closer. She unpacked the control device and slowly brought it in front her. When he almost had it in his hands, she quickly threw it out the door, and when he turned around she quickly pushed against his legs with her whole weight, making him fall on his back and slightly against her. The impact was dull. But it gave her enough time to run and dive out of the door and into the hallway, running again after stepping on the device purposely. She hated crushing it, it was her best tool so far, but being in the hands of those idiots, it could really turn out to cause huge damage. She could hear shots and the old man screaming:

"Don't shoot! We need her you idiots!"

This was about the hundredth time in her life where shots were actually fired at her. But it was quiet while she kept running. She was fast, and she even was able to run around the next corner, but then she crashed into yet another person. When she got up and realized who it was, she was shocked for a second.

'_Mrs…Winchester?!_' she thought.

"That's right dear, it's me" she obviously had seen her eye twitch for a second. Then she pointed a gun at her "and you better give up running away now, or I WILL shoot you."

Once again Jamee started running, the bullets did seem to be fired at a closer range to her now and when one of them hit her, she screamed and landed on the floor. Jamee writhed in pain. It felt like her arm was on fire. She didn't even notice the two big guys coming around the corner and the old guy and Mrs. Winchester following them.

"I told you not to shoot her! How are we going to get our FBI Files deleted now!"

The old man yelled at Mrs. Winchester.

"Oh come on, I'd rather have her do it with a bullet wound than her not doing it at all."

Jamee still held her arm.

"That's if she makes it, you stupid cow!"

"Don't talk to me like that Gregory!"

"Ah, just shut up and prepare what I told you to."

She left. Jamee heard her heels clicking and clacking down the hallway.

"Get the girl to the other building!"

She felt one of the man slide his arms under her and automatically started to resist him by trying to punch him.

"Gah, come on and gimme a hand her willya?" he asked his buddy.

The other man came and held her arms down, while the one holding her grabbed her legs. They had her in a tight grip now and tied her up. When one of them, it must've been the bigger one, put her over his shoulder to carry her, she almost wanted to vomit from the pain her arm had given her. Was she getting weak?

The walk seemed too long. She remembered being in an elevator, getting out and then being in a system of supposedly underground tunnels, which must've led to "the other building". There, they went to yet another elevator, bringing them to the highest floor of the building. She saw stairs once again and then a gray steel door, which they locked behind them. The man put her down, well, it was more like just letting her fall but right then she didn't care.

When her eyes adjusted to the dim light that came from the boarded up windows she realized they must've been in an attic.

He then proceeded to drag her across the room and put something cold and metal like between the rope on her hands.

"Okay." he said.

And then she felt herself getting pulled up by the rope on her hands. The other man must've activated some kind of lifting mechanism to which the metal was attached to.

The old guy came walking towards her.

"Look at this…even in this light I can see, you're still pretty young lady." He tried to put a hand on the side of her face but she turned away. He then grabbed her under her jaw.

"You better cooperate, miss, or Dexter and Bill here are going to give you some extra lessons in how to behave around grown up men." He grinned.

'_This isn't good. This really isn't good._' she thought, closing her eyes to forget the pain the rope and the hands of that old guy gave her. She was trying to figure out a way to get of there, but with old Gregory and Dexter and Bill, a rope around her hands, a bullet wound on her arm and her control device destroyed…she couldn't think of any way out at the moment. She just hoped that B.A. had gotten some kind of signal from the device before she crushed it.

Old Gregory took a step back. He looked in her eyes, her face, down her body and up again.

"I'm coming right to the point…maybe that will change your mind about cooperating. We need you for hacking into the FBI's system, and deleting, for good, all files that are there about me, my wife and our company. You will clear us. Not after you have restored the system in the company of course."

"It's not very nice to shoot and tie someone up whom you need something from, don't you think, Mr. Winchester?" She said.

"Smart girl. Your other friends got fooled easily. They think I'm there with them, giving them a hard time." He chuckled.

"I swear to god if one of your guys hurts them I'll ruin your life!" She yelled, angry now.

"Go for it kid! In case you haven't noticed, there is no way out of here except through the door, which you will pass through dead if you won't work with us!"

"I know they can handle your guys, you're just trying to mess with my head. But I'm sorry Mr. Winchester, I'm smarter than that."

"Oh I know you are smart, very smart. It wasn't easy to obtain information on you, let me tell you that, but we got some, and I only had to read it once to convince me that you were exactly the person we needed. And when I found out that you were with the A-Team…I was more than pleased that things went so well."

"Up until now, you pathetic blockhead." She spat in his direction.

"How dare you insult me!" He slapped her across the face. "Dexter, Bill, show her what we do with little girls who don't know how to behave"

And with an evil grin on their faces, Dexter and Bill, walked towards her, with something in their hands that looked like black clubs.

"You wouldn't….." she said, her eyes wide open in disbelief, but they had already pulled them.

She was weak from the blood loss. She couldn't free herself. And the guys didn't even know she was here. It wasn't the first time she was in a situation like this, but it was the first time, the guys didn't make it in time. Somehow, it seemed she had switched out of her operational mode. She realized it when she became worried. Worried for the guys. And scared, for her life. Emotions that didn't fit into this kind of situation.

And then she felt the first blow, right to her arm. Then another one right on her back. She fought the scream and the tears, trying to hold back. She was taught to survive ordeals, to never give up and to always put the mission first. Another blow, this time to her stomach. She was actually glad now, that she hadn't eaten anything in a while, because she was sure she'd have thrown up otherwise.

They stopped and she felt a warm liquid running down her face. Running down from her eyes to her nose, and over her lips. It tasted like metal and salt...blood. The taste made her gag.

"Ok miss insert family name here, what about now? Did you remember something, you wanted to show me?"

She didn't look up.

"Eat dirt, you pathetic excuse of a human being."

"Ah, I see. Well lady, I will tell you what the next hours, days, weeks and months for you will look like, should you not choose to cooperate with us. See, Dexter and Bill here, are very loyal men. And they have more tools than just two plain clubs. And from now on, every hour, they will try a new one of their toys on you-"

"I'll die within the next 24 hours if I keep bleeding like this." she grinned.

"Don't interrupt me, brat! Of course, a very good friend of mine, Doctor Howard is already on his way here, to tend to your wounds. We don't want to invest so many hours of torture with the only result being that you will end up dead."

He turned around, starting to walk out of the room.

"Well you better hurry, because my friends are on their way here. And when they arrive…"

she looked up at him, still grinning smuggishly "…you're the one who'll end up dead."

He stopped, but didn't turn around.

"Your friends are dead." he said in a very stern voice only to burst out in laughter afterwards.

Then he left the room.

Well, I'm back…took me long enough right? Yeah I know…this story is getting a bit out of hand, seriously. I have sooooo much more chapters, but they all need a little detail and fixing here and there. The end of the story is already written but the inbetween is taking quite a while. I hope you guys enjoyed it :)


	6. Chapter 6

CHAPTER 6 – the decision

That's me in the corner

That's me in the spot-light

Losing my religion

Trying to keep up with you

And I don't know if I can do it

Oh no I've said too much

I haven't said enough

I thought that I heard you laughing

I thought that I heard you sing

I think I thought I saw you try

Every whisper, of every waking hour

I'm choosing my confessions

Trying to keep an eye on you

Like a hurt, lost and blinded fool, fool

Oh no I've said too much

I set it up

- REM

Jamee felt even weaker than before. They couldn't be dead. No way. He was just messing with her mind.

She didn't know how much time had passed when the door opened again and a man of a much more smaller physique than Dexter and Bill entered the room. His most outstanding feature was his beard that almost covered up his whole face. He had a suitcase with him and walked towards her.

"Hello Miss Miller." his voice was surprisingly calm.

He put his suitcase next to her. The ropes felt horrible by now and she didn't want to move an inch without having to.

"I'm Dr. Howard. I will take a look at you every couple of hours from now on, to make sure you…will be in a state of clear mind at all times. Should you want to scream your lungs out though, or act violently, I can always make you slumber like an infant…or a corpse. Now, let's have a look at that arm of yours."

He cut the sleeve of her jacket of and revealed the wound. She could barely see it from her perspective, all she could see was a long streak of red, crusty flesh. She didn't mind. She'd had nastier things happen to her in her life. Dr. Howard pulled a string and a needle out of his suitcase, cleaned the wound and then sewed the flesh together. Of course, without any kind of local anesthesia. Jamee didn't resist. She thought that it was unnecessary to sew it though, it was only two stitches after all- or at least that was what she could feel. She was just hoping that he sewed it back together halfway decent so it wouldn't look too messed up when it was healed.

When he was done, he put his things back together and left without saying a word.

Dexter and Bill were standing behind her. She hated the feeling of somebody's presence behind her but she didn't want to turn around, because the ropes were still more than uncomfortable. Her hands must've turned a light shade of blue by now.

A while passed and without any hesitation, the guys pulled their clubs again. She shivered when she heard them coming at her. But she needed to be strong, needed to hold on. She was so sure they would come to help her. And she was so sorry already, that they would have to find her like this.

It felt like her back had hit asphalt, when the impact happened. Then it was her arm again.

It hurt so bad, she couldn't hold back anymore and screamed in pain. The stitches had to have ripped open again, she could feel the bandage getting soaked with blood.

They hit again and again and she screamed on top of her lungs because she didn't care anymore. But at some point, the screams got weaker, the pain got more bearable, the room became darker, their laughter blurrier and then…everything went black.

'_Thank G__od'_ she thought '_thank God, I'm passing out_…'

At first, it was dark. Then something was coming closer and before she knew it, she was standing at a beach. The waves were brushing quietly against the land, giving the familiar sound of the ocean. She looked around to see that no one else was there. Then she looked down on herself. She wasn't wearing any shoes and…her feet looked so small. Too small. She held her hands in front of her and looked at them. They were tiny. Then she looked at her chest and all she could see was her belly and tiny feet. When she realized she was naked, she got nervous. The waves kept on whispering in front of her. She started walking towards the water and the whispers became louder and louder. They turned into voices, clear voices, whispering all kinds of things.

"_What is she doing here? Come closer. No don't! Come on, the water is warm. Why is she here? What's this supposed to mean? Come on, it's so warm. Quick! Run! Don't turn around. Does she know she's here? No, don't go further, stop! Why is this happening? Something's wrong! Get in the water! No!" _

She almost ran now, and it seemed that the closer she got the water, the louder the voices were getting. It felt like something dragged her to the water. She noticed that it took her unnaturally long to reach the shoreline. The voices were so loud now, that she couldn't even hear the ocean anymore.

"_Come closer. Why is she here!? This is wrong! You are wrong. Don't come closer! It's nice and warm, come in. It's so warm. What is she doing here? Can you feel it? Don't! No!" _

And then her feet touched the wet sand of the shoreline. She was almost at the water.

"_Why are you doing this? He's not here. No one's here. Come closer, come on. It's a nice place. No! Go away! It's all warm in there. No, don't! No! It's okay, shhhh. No! Go away! Come here! No! No don't! NO! JAMEE!" _

When she touched the water, she heard herself screaming her name, while she held her hands over her ears and went on her knees. Then…it was gone. It was silent again. The ocean was quiet now. Not a single wave was there. No voices. No screaming. She leaned forward, putting her hands in the sand an inch away from where the water started. Then she leaned in a bit more over the completely quiet surface of the water and she could see her…face? She was looking at a face, definitely, but all she saw was just the face of a little girl. A naked little girl, looking at her totally calm, no expression on her face or whatsoever.

"_Why don't you come in Jamee?"_ The little girl in the water asked her without any sign of emotion on her face. "_It's so warm and nice_."

Jamee felt scared, but the dragging force that wanted her in the water was too persistent for her to turn around and leave. She was almost hypnotised by the big ocean in front of her. The face kept on staring and she felt herself getting weaker and weaker. Her eyelids got heavier and her head sank a few inches.

"_It's okay_," the face said "_come in here and everything will be fine. We'll have lot's o__f fun, Jamee. We can do anything you ever wanted to do_." Then it smiled at her brightly, it's eyes never changing their emotionless state though.

But Jamee found herself still being able to withstand the enormous desire to touch the water. Something wasn't quite right.

"_Don't be afraid,"_ it said "_it won't hurt. Just come with me. You'll be free_."

And then, the feeling of fear slowly disappeared and all she felt was warmth and comfort. She almost felt relieved, looking at the widely smiling face of herself mirrored in the water.

When she lifted her right hand to put it in the water, she heard somebody scream on top of their lungs.

"JAMEE DON'T !"

She looked up in shock when a hand shot out of the water and grabbed her wrist tightly. She struggled in fear and immediately started to pull away from it with all of her strength.

"Don't let it get you in the water!" the voice yelled.

She kicked and hit and pulled and then she screamed, for the first time hearing her own voice in this strange situation.

"Let me go! Let. Me. Gooo!"

The hand let go and Jamee fell on her back. She was still naked and but didn't care anymore. She turned to the left in order to see who screamed for her. It was a female figure, also naked but barely visible, almost as if someone had taken a silvery linen sheet and wrapped her into it. It seemed like she was almost glowing. When her eyes reached the face of the woman, she couldn't believe it.

"Mama?" she said, rubbing her eyes in disbelief, but when she looked again she was sure. "Mama!"

Within a second she got up and started running towards her, spreading her arms open wide. Her mother smiled at her and opened her arms for a warm welcome. Jamee jumped and landed right in her mother's arms. It was warm, and nice, and smelled like a warm spring day, like the sun, the flowers, a nearby creek and everything nice when she took her in a deep embrace.

"Mama, I've missed you so much!"

She didn't realize tears were streaming down her face as she hugged her mother back as hard as she could possibly do. When she felt her mothers hand on her head she looked up, then down and realized that she was standing on both of her feet, the sand getting between her toes. She was back to her old teenage-self, now wearing a dress that was a light shade of green. She looked down on herself, then up to her mother who kept smiling at her.

"Jamee, it's time to go."

Her expression changed from excited to scared.

"But….I don't want to leave…I want to stay here please. I really don't want to go Mama. I wanna talk to you for longer…I wanna…stay…" she said woefully.

"You're such a strong girl, Jamee. You have to fight. And you will have to fight your whole life. This is not the time to give up yet."

She kept looking at her smiling mother questioningly.

She thought about it. Wasn't she right? Hasn't she been fighting her whole life, more than anybody else she knew? Wouldn't her mother want her to go on no matter what? Wasn't that…what her parents had taught her?

She whimpered for a second. Then she hugged her mother once again, enjoying the warm embrace.

"One day, we will talk. But not today, my darling baby, not today." she felt her mothers arms around her like warm water protecting the skin against the cold outside.

"I love you Mama." she whispered.

"I love you too, Jamee." her mother said, placing a soft kiss against her forehead.

And then she let go, turned around, and started walking towards the unknown cold. But she smiled, and her walking turned into running again but this time, someone was running towards her. Finally! It was them!

She ran and ran but then, she was being dragged backwards, the team falling back more and more. It got harder and harder for her to run, her feet felt like they were glued to the floor. She heard herself breathe heavily from the exhaustion, and then Hannibal was gone, Face, B.A. and then…Murdock was gone and everything went dark again.

"I think we lost her." a muffled voice said.

"Goddammit I told you not to kill her!"

"Sorry boss we didn't-"

"Shut up!"

A loud noise did the rest for her to realize that she most likely wasn't dead at all. Her head hurt. Everything hurt. She couldn't even open her eyes.

"Shit!"

"Boss, we better leave."

"No one's leaving!" a familiar voice coming from further away suddenly interrupted the quarrel between the men.

And then it was all yelling, loud, clashing noises and gun shots all over again. When she heard the gun shots, she was bit more alarmed. Without any chance of fleeing, she was in real danger again of getting another gun wound. It got quieter and then, the last scream faded away. They were here. They came. And here she was, ripped clothes, lost, dependent, weak…a failure. A light hit her eyes and it stung like hell. She quickly closed them again.

"Oh…my…god…"

Face quickly took the light of the flashlight off her again. The sight of her was too much.

"We…we gotta get her to a hospital Murdock…" he said, shocked, "Hey, Murdock?"

H.M. Murdock stood there, frozen, about 15 feet away from what he could recognize as Jamee's body, her hands bound above her head, making her upper body hang from the ceiling, and her knees on the floor. Her shirt was ripped, showing too much of what was between her neck and her belly button. Fresh and old, crusted blood mixed on her arm, and her dirty clothes. Her face was looking down on the ground.

"Murdock!" Face yelled and Jamee heard it clearly this time. Murdock? She opened her eyes and looked down on herself in the now lighter room from the door being open. '_Oh thank god he's alright. They're alright_.' She let out a sigh of relief.

"She's awake! Jamee, it's ok, it's us…" Face started walking towards her.

When she noticed him coming to her, she suddenly panicked, breathing nervously. She couldn't handle somebody coming near. Someone maybe wanting to touch her. But he didn't stop walking in her direction.

"…d-don't…" her voice was shaky "…don't!" she repeated, louder, but Face kept on walking, his hands halfway up in an almost surrendering position and her voice gave in at the thought of him coming closer every second.

Murdock just stared and then Jamee looked directly into his eyes and started screaming.

"DON'T LOOK AT ME!"

Tears ran down her face, once again mixing with the dried up blood, making part of it stream down on her face.

"AAAAAHHHHH!" a loud scream was being forced from her throat.

Face stopped and turned around to Murdock.

"Murdock, come on, help me get her off of there!"

But Murdock didn't move. He couldn't move. Couldn't think straight. Couldn't answer Face. The image of her had triggered something in his brain. Something was terribly wrong. But it was then, that Hannibal and B.A. had reached them.

"What's going on here Lieutenant!" Hannibal yelled.

"Where's Jamee?!" B.A. said.

"It's bad Colonel." Face said, visibly shocked from what he and Murdock had found seconds before them.

When he heard her panicked breathing, Hannibal turned to her direction and as his eyes got used to the dark, he was shocked as well to see what was hanging in the middle of the room.

"Is that her…?" He asked in shock.

"Hannibal, we gotta get her to the nearest hospital right now, she doesn't look good at all…" Face answered.

Hannibal reacted quickly, pulling a pocket knife and walking towards her.

Jamee started screaming again, but this time, neither Hannibal nor Face stopped trying to get her off the rope.

"GET OFF ME! GET OFF OF ME!"

"B.A., Murdock, come here and give us a hand holding her down!" Hannibal yelled, obviously outraged.

B.A. quickly followed Hannibal's order, but Murdock kept on standing there, still frozen.

"THIS IS AN ODER CAPTAIN!" Hannibal yelled, knowing exactly what was going on in the mind of his comrade, while cutting the rope from the ceiling. B.A. tried to calm Jamee while holding her arms and Face supported her head.

When Jamee writhed in pain and the cord finally snapped, Murdock broke out of his stupor.

"I'm…kill him." He mumbled. Then he turned around slowly and started to walk while he was still mumbling to himself.

"COME BACK HERE CAPTAIN!" Hannibal screamed, but it was too late. Murdock was out and about the door.

"Damnit."

Jamee's screaming had stopped…she had passed out again. Face was about to run after Murdock when Hannibal motioned him to stay.

"Let him go Lieutenant, he'll do what he thinks is right. Now B.A. carry her to the van, quick!"

The sunlight that came in through the windows tickled her nose. She could feel it's warmth. Then the pain kicked in.

"Ugh…"

"Miss Miller?"

"Mmm…"

What a weird dream she had. Guys beating the living shit out of her, computers, all sorts of codes and programmes and…her mother...

"Miss Miller, can you hear me?"

"Haaa…my head…" she moaned.

"Look at me, Miss Miller."

She opened her eyes a tiny bit. The blurriness faded and she saw a nurse in a very familiar outfit.

"How do you feel?" She asked her.

"Like shit…where am I?"

The nurse smiled.

"At the V.A. hospital, Los Angeles, California."

"What?"

"You have a lot of explaining to do to Dr. Richter young lady. But I won't scold you right after you've woken up. Your friend Mr. Murdock is outside, waiting. He spent all his free time waiting for you to wake up, can you believe it?"

"H.M…" She said, already a bit clearer in mind. "Can I see him?"

"Well you have just woken up young lady. I have to check you thoroughly and see how you are doing. Then maybe your friend can come visit you." she gave her a wink stretching out the 'maybe'.

Jamee nodded, her heart starting to beat faster immediately.

"Okay, it'll be just a minute." The nurse started to check her, thoroughly, as she had put. She tested her eyes with a little flashlight, took her pulse, blood pressure and everything you could think of. Last, she checked the bullet wound on her arm and applied a new bandage.

"Okay, I think we're all done for now. How do you feel?" the nurse asked.

"Apart from all the pain, I'm great…" she joked.

"Of course dear, I'm going to let Dr. Richter know that you have woken up. You're gonna get another infusion real soon, okay?"

"Yeah yeah…can I see him now?" She said, while she was searching for the IV on her arms.

"Well…" the nurse eyed her from head to toe, looking suspicious. But then her face lightened up. "Okay." she smiled. "After all he has been waiting for a long time now and you seem to have recovered better than we thought."

"How long?" Jamee asked.

"Oh just about a week. Your condition was bad, but you hadn't slipped in to a coma, nothing the like, you just kept on sleeping. We were wondering when you'd wake up. You sure took your time." she winked at her then she turned around.

"I'm going to go get Mr. Murdock now. You'll have ten minutes! You still need to rest, understand? And then it's time to eat."

"Yes…" was all she answered, as the nurse left the room.

While she wondered why she hadn't gotten any shots or blood taken, Jamee remembered the IV in her left arm. Ugh, she hated those things. She looked at it, then the door opened and she could hear the nurse talking in the background.

"It's okay Mr. Murdock, you can go in now."

And then she saw him, walking in slowly, closing the door, looking at her while walking even closer, stopping by her bedside and…going on his knees in front of her ? Wait a second.

"Jay…" he whispered, his face a painful expression.

She looked at him, poor Murdock, he looked like he hadn't slept in weeks. He had dark shadows under his eyes that looked like someone had knocked him in both of them. He was so pale. She hated seeing him like this. Maybe the nurse shouldn't have let him in. Well, he wanted to see her…that made her feel so happy, but…was it worth being happy about something which is doomed to not last anyways? She was thinking as she heard him inhale sharply.

"Jay I-I don't know where to start I…thought…I thought you were dead…I-"

"Shhhhhh…" she made the comforting sound as soon as she realized what state he was in and then pulled one of her hands from under the blanket. It was bruised up pretty badly, she noticed, then she moved it towards him opening her hand slightly. He looked up at her, took her hand into both of his and, very carefully, gave it a kiss and then put his forehead against her hand in his. She felt something dripping on her hand and got scared that it might be blood but then she heard his muffled sobs.

"Please don't cry," she whispered "it makes me want to cry, too, and you know I hate crying." now with a teary voice herself.

"You don't understand," he said, having gained control again, but still speaking into his hands "I thought I'd never see you again Jay. I thought, I'd never hear you calling my name again, never see your smile again, I thought I'd have to keep on living without you…"

He didn't look up once while talking, he just held her hand and kissed it again. Maybe he didn't want her to see him like that but she was the one to complain. Bit for bit the pieces came back together in her head while he kept on talking. She remembered parts of their argument in Mrs. Winchesters mansion.

"I wasn't myself, I wasn't anybody, I just followed him and lucky me, I managed to get him right were I wanted him, down on his knees, his face all beaten up and my gun pointing right between his eyes…but…but…I didn't kill him…I didn't Jamee, I didn't kill him, because I was too weak to pull the trigger."

"It wasn't because you were too weak, it was because you are strong." She pressed his hands in hers lightly.

He looked up, a desperate glance in his beautiful blue-green eyes.

"It was because I realized then, at the verge of killing somebody, that you might have been dying that very moment. And that paradox made me turn around and run back to you, because it was you who I should have stayed with, but I couldn't because I thought…I thought..." he stopped and pressed his face a little harder against her hand.

"You thought, H.M. That's the difference. You thought. I'm here now. Everything will be fine again." she whispered, tears swelling up in her eyes when she remembered what he had done to her in the mansion. He had broken up with her, if you could even call it a break up. She quickly got a grip on her thoughts and continued. "I'll recover and then you can go on and about your way and we can still work together on the team…and…maybe hang out over a coke in the dining hall like we used to-"

"What are you talking about?" he looked up and a long pause followed his question.

"What do you mean, what am I talking about? I'm talking about what you said on the last mission, I'm talking about how I can't deal with all this on and off anymore, I'm talking about everything that has happened between us from the start, H.M..." she made a long pause and then sighed before continuing, " I can't keep on fighting for something when there is nothing to fight for, you know…" She didn't look at him when she finished, but out of the window where the sun was still shining brightly and the day was so beautiful.

"Nothing…to fight for…" she heard him repeat her words, slowly.

He looked at her but her eyes were empty, gazing out of the window behind him. He sighed.

"Maybe you're right. Maybe it's for the best if we just stay friends like we were before." she whispered.

Murdock felt strange. Even stranger than he usual. Did she just…dump him…sort of? It sure felt like it. But then again…hadn't he dumped her first? He wanted it that way didn't he? He was confused. He hadn't really expected her to go along with him in that way. He released her hand, considering to give it a little kiss again as he did so but then decided against it. He got up and looked at her, seemingly captured in her own world. She looked terrible. Her face, her arms, everything was still bruised. Her lip cut and her arm in bandages. And all because of him. Because he wasn't there. Because he had let her go alone. Because of the stupid, stupid life the both of them were forced to live. He couldn't take it anymore. Without saying a word, he turned around, walked out the door and closed it quietly. Maybe, maybe this really was for the better.

Jamee, still looking out of the window found herself captured in her own thoughts and hadn't even noticed that he had left. She was looking out of the window, still, staring at the sunny ground. '_The sun can be so cruel.' _she thought._ 'Horrible things __happen and it just goes up and down every day, shining on as if there was no evil in the world…how can something so wonderful be so very mean and heartlessly ignoring, can't it see there's no reason to shine where I am? I might as well have died._'

* * *

A rather sad chapter, isn't it. Ah I didn't know if I really wanted the dream sequence in this one but then again, I thought it was a nice idea to involve her parents in a time like this, where she's you know, basically facing death and stuff. Her perspective is getting out of hand, will have to do some more Murdock perspectives soon. Anyways, hope you enjoyed it ;) Be sure to check out the next chapter for the queen of smut has once again written...smut xD enjoy xD


	7. Chapter 7

CHAPTER 7 – too much…or is it?

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry  
You don't know how lovely you are  
I had to find you  
Tell you I need you  
Tell you I set you apart  
Tell me your secrets  
And ask me your questions  
Oh let's go back to the start  
Running in circles  
Coming in tales  
Heads are a science apart  
Nobody said it was easy  
It's such a shame for us to part  
Nobody said it was easy  
No one ever said it would be this hard  
Oh take me back to the start

- Coldplay

**Three weeks later.**

"So they let me move to my room yesterday and everything's about back to normal I guess…well, as normal as it can be in this dump. The CIA asked about the incident, I couldn't just go and delete the files again since I don't have my equipment and I didn't have access to any computers. But I'll take care of it sooner or later."

"Well, as long as you're alright. B.A. was going crazy, but when I called Murdock and he told me you were okay so far, we were really relieved. Everything's been quiet so far, and the case is closed. You just rest some more and try to get well again ok?"

"Yeah sure, I will, but…Face?"

"Yes?"

"When I'm better, can we go spend some time on the beach? I'd really like to spend some time on the beach…" she felt her thoughts drift off but got interrupted by Face's answer.

"Anything you want sweetheart, now go get some more rest, and tell Murdock I said hi!"

"Uhm, I will, bye Face"

"Bye Jamee"

Then he hung up.

She felt strange, after talking to Face for the first time since the incident. For the first time in her life, she wasn't too unhappy about living in the VA. She had already talked to Dr. Richter and Colonel Redfield . She was glad Dr. Richter didn't say anything about his thoughts of a connection between her and the A-Team. He gave her so much comfort with his words. It would yet again take some time until the nightmares and anxiousness would subside. But wasn't she used to it?

She left the pay phone and made her way back to her ward. Dr. Richter had given her back all the freedom she had before, which was more than extremely nice of him, considering the condition she came back in and her obvious intentions to leave again when called for. The guy was a wonderful human being.

On her way back she looked out of a window, down to the beautifully arranged hospital yard. She saw some familiar faces and she saw, where they always used to sit, under the tree. And it hurt. He wasn't there, she couldn't see him. In fact, she hadn't seen him since that first time he talked to her on the medical unit. She wondered why he hadn't made any attempts to knock on her door and to sneak into her room like he did most of the times when he was nervous about something. Wasn't he nervous about this situation? Maybe he wanted to give her some time.

She was back at her room ten minutes later, not really knowing what to do with herself. The problem was, every time she was alone in her room, this feeling of total loneliness overcame her and she had a hard time not just screaming everything right out into her pillow. But if they'd hear, they'd give her those damn calming shots again and she hated those. She had never felt so lonely, so empty since she had arrived in LA. Was it because she missed them? They had been apart for much longer periods of time…but it was the first time in two years for her to not have spoken to Murdock in 3 weeks.

'_This can't all be because of him'_ she thought, digging her head deeper under the covers of her bed.

Later, at dinner time, she decided to go pay the dining hall a visit and have dinner there. The nurses had brought something to eat to her room everyday for the past 3 days that she was back on the ward, ordering her to eat or they will force-feed her. It didn't help that she was light weight anyways.

When she opened the door, she was expecting to see him immediately, but he wasn't there. After she had forced down some pasta and talked to one or two patients she knew well, she looked at the half empty plate and wondered if he had been in his room all the time. Leaving the dining hall, she wished he'd pull her into some kind of supply room again as he did only a couple of weeks ago. She stopped by his room looking inside the door viewer. She couldn't spot him. Where the hell was he?

It got late and Jamee decided to give it a shot and try to visit one of her favorite places of the hospital – the roof. Where else was a perfect place to dwell in memories, to think about life and to just let the impression of the Los Angeles skyline at night take away all those thoughts at the same time. She thought it was quite dramatic, her opinion about roofs, but everybody has to have some kind of odd meaning about things.

Grabbing her flashlight and a lock pick she made her way up to the roof. It didn't take her long to get there. She wandered to the part of the roof where the parking lot could be seen from and sat down on the ground resting her arms on the ledge.

A Glass of Wine and a stereo would've been perfect for a time like this, she thought.

Suddenly she could hear steps nearby. She grabbed her flashlight and got up, hiding behind one of the air ventilation systems.

"It's me." A voice - his voice, said.

She wandered back to the spot where she had just got up from and slumped back down again, letting out a small sigh of desperation as she did so.

"What are you doing here?" She asked casually.

"I could ask you the same thing." He said softly, while stepping closer to her.

"You know why I sometimes go up here, I told you before."

"Yeah…I know…" He seemed unsure of how to engage in a conversation.

"Better get down here, they'll see you sooner or later." she mumbled.

He sat down about two feet next to her. None of them talked for a while.

"So…we're at one of those points again." She started "Listen Murdock, I'll make it clear. You know how I feel. I thought I knew how you felt and now…everything is…" she had to focus on not starting to cry but got a grip on her speaking "…it's a bigger mess than before and finally, I won't tell you, you were right, because you never were, but I will tell you that…I will not go on fighting for something that will never be-"

Suddenly she felt a pull on her arms, dragging her against his chest midsentence.

"I can't live without you."

"Murdock" She whimpered against his shoulder, trying to pull away but he held her close "Don't make this harder than it already is…"

He released his tight grip and then, as if to make sure that he had her attention, he gently put his hands on either side of her face and held her tight so she had to look into his eyes.

"I love you Jay."

She dropped the tension, stopping to try to push him away and letting him hug her even tighter. She could feel her bruises again, but right now, she couldn't care less.

"And don't you ever think I felt any different throughout this time."

"H.M…."

She crawled on his lap, allowing them to be even closer.

"See, I've been thinking a lot those past two weeks" he started saying "and you know, we can talk this whole thing over again and again and yet it will take us nowhere other than where we are now, right? It's as if we always end up with the same results anyways. We love each other. So…I gave up on thinking all those spooky thoughts about…our relationship."

Her heart skipped a beat. Did he say relationship?

"You know, it's that way. It's not something that can never be, it's something that has started long ago and, the way it looks like, will never end. And it will be tough and drive us crazy and be hard to hide but…nothing will change my feelings for you and I finally can accept that. The sad part is that I had realized this only when I thought I had already lost you…"

She lifted her head from his shoulder to look at him. He smiled his ever so gorgeous smile and she couldn't resist but to give him a kiss. Yes maybe, maybe all of this had started even longer ago than they realized.

"You don't know how thankful I am to be able to say these words to you, I've meant to for so long and when the incident happened…I thought I had to keep this inside forever and it almost killed me. I'm such a coward when it comes to these things, I know."

For a while, they kept sitting there, hugging each other tightly. The awkward tension had seemed to be blown away by Murdock's admittance to their feelings. Jamee felt safe, although she hesitated to believe that this was the last time they'd go through something like this. And who could blame him? After all, she was not legal yet. She was so much younger than him. Their 'home' was a VA hospital and their lifestyle was anything else than that of an average couple. But for as long as they sat on that roof together, neither one of them mentioned anything about it. Just being with each other, finally, was enough, for that moment. After a while they decided it was time to call it a night and started making their way down, back to the ward.

They were in his room. He had let her silently follow him without asking any questions. It was dark until he closed the door carefully and turned on the little lamp on his nightstand.

"Let me look at you." he said, turning towards her.

She had her arms crossed in front of her. Her eyes looking into his at first, then her gaze wandered around the room and stopped at the floor. He came closer, slowly, examining her carefully. The next thing she knew was that his lips had somehow ended up on hers. He kissed her. And he kissed her first. Softly, gently, touching. Like he had the first night they had slept together. They kissed for a while until she realized that the pace suddenly had changed. The kiss had gotten…more demanding, consuming her. She felt as if he was kissing her whole body, her mind, her…heart. And she let him continue, giving back the same feelings that she was receiving. He grabbed the bottom of her shirt, slowly placing his hands on her bare sides, pulling her closer. She winced. He stopped and stepped back, slowly starting to take off her shirt. She let him. And with each inch he undressed her, his eyes got sadder and sadder. The shirt was gone and she was standing in the middle of his room, him looking at her with his painfully sad eyes.

"I hate those bruises on you." he whispered. "I hate each and every one of them."

"They're part of me now. I won't hide what's part of me."

He couldn't hide the smile her stubborn words had brought up in him.

"Even now you can make me smile."

"Ms. Jamee Miller at your service." she joked.

"Come here you crazy girl." he chuckled.

How gorgeous his smile was.

They hugged for a long time. Then he started kissing her again. Her mouth, her cheeks, her forehead. And she did the same.

Somehow they had ended up in his bed. Somehow they both were naked at some point. And all she could remember were those sweet, hurting kisses of his on every one of those bruises on her that he hated so much.

"H.M…" she whispered, the look in her eyes that he gotten to know what it meant by now. That look that said that she loved him, truly loved him, even though she was just a girl with a broken childhood. A person of whom you'd never expect to receive so much love with just one intense look.

"Really?" he asked, concerned about that he might hurt her during what the both of them had in mind.

"Yes." she whispered, kissing his arm next to her. "Yes."

He laid himself on top of her and slowly, even slower than he had done it the first time they did it, lowered himself into her.

Jamee let out a stiffled moan.

"Yes." she whispered again.

He started to move inside of her and soon the overwhelming feeling of the sweet sin they were commencing got the best of him. His mind was blank once again and all he wanted to do was to keep on doing what they did. His thrusts became more intense, deeper, steadier and her arms on his back were caressing him just too good to be true. Gripping, stroking, signalling him that what he was doing was what she wanted as well.

"H.M." she whispered, half moaning.

"Let go baby, relax." he whispered, nuzzling into her neck, softly kissing it, keeping his steady rhythm.

And with just a couple of more movements she came apart underneath him, moaning as quietly as she could, relaxing and riding out the waves of pleasure she received from him, which was his undoing as well.

"I think that was just what I needed." she whispered in the dark, his arms clung around her, holding her tightly, as if he was afraid of her to just move one inch.

"I think I just needed you." he answered.

"As I said…Ms. Miller at your service."

He chuckled into her neck and she smiled.

"I should leave now, the night shift switches soon. Perfect time to leave."

"Ahh…I guess." he answered, the regret in his voice obvious.

He let go of her, slowly tracing the outline of her back as she lifted herself up to sit. Then she got up and got dressed. When she turned around to say goodbye he was sitting in his bed staring at her in the dark.

"See you tomorrow?" she asked quietly.

"Of course. Sleep tight."

"You too."

She leaned down to give him his goodnight kiss. Then she turned around and left.

Jamee awoke in her room. Judging from the amount of sunlight in her room, it must've been a beautiful day. But that didn't matter to her right now. She didn't really care. Because as soon as she had opened her eyes, memories from last night came to her mind. Beautiful memories, making her feel all warm inside. Yet she was unsure if this was all for real. Her mind had been trembling for so long now, that she just couldn't believe last night really happened.

It was time for breakfast and she decided she'd stop by his room and get him to have breakfast together, like they had done all the time before this all…happened.

Passing a nurse on her way she walked to his door and was about to knock but she stopped as she saw another nurse, obviously coming to get him for breakfast, walk by. The nurse at her smiled as she noticed her waiting.

"So you guys are friends again?" she asked.

"Excuse me?"

"Oh it's just haven't seen you guys hanging around together for a while." she kept on smiling.

Jamee smiled, a little panicked smile, she didn't think someone around the hospital would have noticed their friendship so drastically. They all knew they were close, but she was close with some other patients as well. She just hoped they'd not get any funny ideas…which she knew were actually true but nevertheless – the thought of them finding out anything was very non-desirable.

"We had an argument but now, everything's fine." she explained to the nurse, trying to sound a little bit retarded and hope that she'd leave her alone.

The nurse smiled.

"I saw him when you were in the medical care ward…he just wasn't himself anymore. I've never seen him like that before. He really seems to like you."

"I like him too, he's my best friend here." Jamee admitted.

"That's good." She gave her a smile and disappeared into his room.

A minute later they both came out of the room, the nurse in front again. Jamee kept her head down, not wanting to see the nurse her blushed face as she could already feel him before she saw him.

"Well then, off to breakfast." she heard his familiar voice in her ears, making her excited at the spot.

They started walking and as his arm slightly brushed hers, she could feel last night's tension building up in her once again.

When they finally sat down on their table, the tension seemed to have increased even more. What was happening? She had experienced this before, but – here – now?

"Jamee." A bolt of light flashed before her inner eyes when he called her name.

And for the first time this morning, she decided to look into his eyes.

"What's wrong?" He looked concerned.

"N-nothing, it's nothing. I'm just uhm, it's, I'm not really hungry I guess." had he always been this handsome?

"You sure you okay?" '_Not exactly…'_ she thought.

"Yeah yeah, I'm good." she grabbed her fork and staggered a bit in her food.

"Okay then…" he seemed not to be sure about how to respond. And she was glad that he would leave it at that. After all she had to face a whole day with him after what happened last night. Shouldn't she be the happiest person on earth now that they at least both had admitted their feelings?

'_Maybe it will go away during the course of the day.' _She thought.

After they finished their meals, well, at least Murdock did, they decided to go outside in the backyard and enjoy some outside-time. She could feel nurse Angie's suspicious look as they walked past her.

Outside it was hot and sunny, just like she had expected it to be. They were sitting on a bench underneath a tree to get some shade from the California heat. Murdock was reading some book about parapsychology. Her, she had chosen to re-read the catcher in the rye. She loved the book when she first had read it two years ago.

After a while, Jamee sighed. She couldn't focus on it. Not only because it was a rather confusing style of writing but because HE was sitting next to her an images of last night involuntarily invaded her brain mercilessly killing any thought that had to do with Holden Caulfield's Odyssey. Leaning back on the bench, she caught his attention.

"Too hot?"

'_If you want to put it that way…'_she thought.

"Yeah…no…I can't really focus."

"Yeah, I kinda see you're anxious. What's wrong? Come on, you can tell me." His expectant, boyish face did nothing good to the heat she was feeling right now.

She blushed.

"It's about last night isn't it." He said, matter-of-factly, quickly scanning the area for any unwanted listeners.

Blushing even more, she just nodded.

"Didn't you like it? Did I hurt you? Was it too much? W-"

"NO!" she said, interrupting him and emphasizing on the sound of letting him know that this was not the case at all.

He gave her a blank look.

"I – last night…it was wonderful, the best, it's just…"

She took the book and fanned herself some air. Breathing suddenly got quite a bit harder. She couldn't tell him the truth…wouldn't that make her look like a pervert?

"…it's just, I've been feeling so…I don't know…it started when I first heard your voice this morning and it hasn't stopped. I don't really know what it is, that's all. Nothing to worry about really."

When she looked at him she noticed his eyes penetrating her mind. It was as if she could feel it. She blushed and looked down again.

"I'm sorry, I probably just haven't digested what happened yesterday yet." she whispered.

"Hey, look at me." and as she did he said "We'll take it slow. Take our time. There is nothing to worry about. We'll just keep on going as we always do. But please tell me if something troubles you, okay?"

She nodded and he smiled.

"I wish I could kiss you right now." He whispered, showing his obvious disappointment that he couldn't do as he pleased.

She blushed once again.

"I have to go Murdock, they're painting in group activity today and I have to finish my painting. I'll see you later okay?"

He moved back a couple of inches, unaware of why she had changed subject so quickly.

"Well alright, catch ya later." He said, giving her a small wink that made the tension even worse.

He leaned back and Jamee grabbed her book. She gave him a shy smile when she stood up and hopped over the ledge of the bench, rather than leaving by stepping outside between the table and the bench.

Making her way past the other patients and green hospital gardens, she didn't look back. The atmosphere seemed to have become lighter, clearer and she thought it would be a good thing, to just let her mind drift for a little while before talking to him again. Maybe that was all she needed to do, let her crazy mind drift for a while…

„Jamee! This painting is beautiful!" Her instructor, Ms. Stetson exclaimed as she took a glimpse at her painting.

"Why thank you." she smiled. Yes, it was indeed, a nice piece of art she had finished right in front of her. She felt so much better now that she had.

"Do you like the beach?" Ms. Stetson asked curiously.

"There was a time, when I didn't but now, I do like it a lot, Ms. Stetson." She replied matter-of-factly. Social interacting with "normal" people was part of the instructed courses, but she had only decided to take part in them a short time ago as she was one of the patients who had superior rights and could decide which classes and therapy sessions they wanted to take.

"Well I'm glad you do! This definitely has to go on display! I'll talk to you after class!"

Jamee looked at her painting. She had always loved to paint. And with the help of Ms. Stetson she had produced a real nice painting of the beach. After her gruesome experience of her unconsciousness dream of the ocean and her mother on a beach, she thought about never going to see one beach ever again. But at the same time she had so many fond memories of her mother and herself at the beach. And of course there was "Face's" beach cottage in Long Beach, where she had spent a couple of days before. What was it about beaches anyway? She started thinking about happy times on the beach, with her mother. Mom. She had seen her in her dream or whatever you want to call it and she missed her so much right now.

"Okay Jamee, do you want to sign your masterpiece?"

She turned around a little faster than usual, from the fright she had gotten out of Ms. Stetson waking her from her daydream.

"Oh, class is over?"

"Yes dear, is everything okay?" Ms. Stetson looked concerned.

"Yeah…sure…you can go ahead and take the painting."

"You don't want to sign this? It's your's!"

"No, no I don't." the matter-of-fact tone of her voice underlining that she really didn't want to.

"Well…okay." Ms. Stetson looked a bit confused. "Why did you choose the beach, Jamee, if I may ask?"

"I love places that can hold a lot of mystery, that's probably why." She took a look at the painting again. It really had a strange atmosphere to it. Not really a typical out-in-the-sun kind of beach.

Ms. Stetson laughed. "Mystery? I'm not sure if I can associate that to a beautiful beach like this Jamee."

She gestured at the painting again. Jamee shrugged and gave her a stern look.

"Sometimes, a beach can be a more mysterious place than a lot of other locations you can think of." she said, her face keeping it's seriousness until she finished the sentence.

Then she gave her a warm smile "Goodbye, Ms. Stetson." and took off. Ms. Stetson did seem a bit creeped out. But what did she expect from someone who lived in a mental ward?

Outside the door some patient was struggling with a nurse. Jamee thought she knew him, but she hadn't really seen him that much. What a crazy place this was. She stood there, as the orderlies put him in restraints. _'Restraints…'_ she touched the skin around her wrist. The marks of the rope had been gone, but somehow it was as if she could still feel them around her wrists when she thought about what happened. Ugh. She had to get out of this place. The beach yeah, maybe, the beach was a real good idea. She watched as they dragged him away and caught a closer glimpse of the man. He must've been in his thirties as well, had dark, unruly hair and really pale skin. His eyes were really dark. Somehow, he reminded her of a crow. Oh well, just another psycho in this hellhouse.

She continued her way to the cafeteria. It was almost lunch time and she knew he'd be there, waiting. Her appetite vanished by the thought of him sitting there, at their table, waiting patiently for her to come join him.

And of course there he – wait. Who is that? It seemed as if slow motion had suddenly been added to all of her surroundings. A woman, a girl, was passing her, staring tentatively in her eyes. It was just a second but she saw it. Beautiful, long, wavy blonde hair and those radiant, caramel colored eyes. Everything was slow, and the girls eyes were almost penetrating her mind. And then, it was gone. She was gone. Passed. And Jamee found herself in the cafeteria.

She shook her head. What the hell was that? This day was getting worse and worse.

"Hey pretty girl." He smiled at her. Her involuntary reaction was the fist genuine smile she gave him that day. "You look pale, well, paler than normal. What happened?"

"Ah nothing really, I guess it's just all the stuff that happened the past couple of weeks. I'm gonna be alright."

"Well I sure hope so." he gave her a meaningful look.

"Sure sure…so you wanna go grab something to eat?" She really wasn't hungry but food seemed like a good distraction from talking.

They went and stood in line for the food. Apparently it was Hamburgers today and some other stuff. Jamee settled for a Hamburger, as did Murdock. He stood behind her, and slowly but surely, the tension from this morning was building up between them again. Couldn't he feel it? Was it only her? This was unbearable. Would it be like this every time they were together now? She'd rather not think what she'd do if it would be…

After lunch, Murdock had an appointment with Dr. Richter and Jamee decided to go outside again. It felt so good to finally be outside again. The warm sun on her skin...it was as if it'd help to wash the black and blue shades, that still covered some parts of her body, away. She decided to go lay down beneath their tree and continue reading her book. That main character really was strange. Strange but misunderstood, she thought. And then, the tiredness kicked in. She was barely able to hold up the book to read it. Her arms were so heavy. As were her eyelids. It was so nice and warm in the sun. She'd just give her eyes a little rest…and after a while it got foggy all of a sudden.

…_it's foggy. Why is it so foggy? I can feel it on my skin. It's as if I'm in the jungle. But it's cold. Or hot? I can't decide. I look around. I'm in a boat. A little, old, wooden boat. Where are the oars? I don't seem to have any. I get up to stand but the boat starts shaking rapidly. Around me, all I can see is the ocean. A dark ocean. It's just foggy and dawn is consuming the last parts of daylight. I sit down again and I wait. And wait. The wind is getting stronger. It drags me and my boat across the ocean. I hear a strange sound. A squealing sound. And there's clicking too. It sounds like…I stand up again, ignoring the shaking boat. Oh now I can see them! I can see some whales. They're riding along with me, my boat and the wind. They are singing a song. It sounds as if it's a thousand years old. And it feels peaceful. We're letting the wind guide us. Then all of a sudden their melody changes. It get's louder. It's more distressed, it's almost painful. I hear their loud whistling sounds and it scares me…I know they're crying. But why? Their sounds are so intense. It makes me so sad. I can feel tears drop from my eyes. I can't see them though. I have to put my hands over my ears, because they are so loud! I can hardly hear my own thoughts! It's too much! They're squealing so miserably. But then, there's an abrupt stop of the noise. It's so quiet, I can hear my ears buzzing. I'm worried. What happened to them? I get on my knees and lean on the boats side. I'm smaller than before. My hands are smaller. I lean over the whales are gone. They left. Maybe something scared them away? It scares me. I can hear myself breathing heavily. I can still feel the tears coming from my eyes in a continuous flow. I think I've heard something. But nothing's around. It comes from…underneath the water? I lean over the boat to check. I can smell the salty, humid air of the ocean. I stare, something mesmerizes me. It's so quiet again, my breathing is deep and shallow…And with a loud scream, she jumps out of the water, grabs my arms and bites me, deep in my palm. I'm in shock, I struggle, I want her off! I kick her away from me, back into the water. She screams in anger. I stand in the middle of the boat now and it begins to rock again. And then I see them. There are five of them. All beautiful, with shoulder long hair, swimming around my boat, making it start to spin. No! I want to say, but I can't speak. I can see them very clearly. Their hair is so colorful. One has green hair, one has brown, one has honey-colored, one has dark blue and one has…red hair. They keep spinning my boat, glaring angrily at me. I want to beg them to stop but my voice still won't work. I hear my erratic, shocked breathing. I can't take this anymore! They have to stop! I scream but there's no sound. And they just glare at me. I sink to my knees. And as my tears keep flowing form my cheeks, for the first time I notice that it's blood. It's dripping on my jeans now, staining them a dark red. I rub my eyes and look at my hands. They're covered in blood. The boat keeps spinning. I feel so sick. Please make it stop! Suddenly, I can hear them. Very quietly. They're saying something in unison. It sounds like…_

„Jamee!"

She was yanked out of her nightmare. A split second later she realized that she had the worst headache ever. She quickly rubbed her eyes – no blood. Thank god. The fluorescent light from the ceiling made her realize she wasn't outside anymore. She could see a nurse, a doctor and…Murdock. Her Murdock. He looked worried. Then she realized the doctor standing behind the nurse holding a syringe and she quickly sat up and scooted to the back of the bed as far as she could.

"Everything's okay sweetheart, you just had a bad dream." the nurse tried to comfort her.

She glared at the syringe.

"We thought you had passed out and tried to wake you up, when we realized you were sound asleep when Mr. Murdock was carrying you back to your room. How do you feel?"

The nurse put the syringe away and took her blood pressure, then checked each of her eye with her tiny flashlight.

"No signs of any recent trauma doctor."

The doctor stepped in front. She knew him. He had treated her when she got out of the medical ward.

"Good. Jamee, you should be careful, you had severe damage done to your body 4 weeks ago and you're still very weak. Please make sure you get enough rest for at least the next two weeks still. Do you understand me?"

She nodded, not looking at him. She was staring at Murdock. He looked…mad? What had she done? She could hear the doctor talking again.

"Now, I'm gonna give you a shot, it will make you a bit sleepy again but it's good for you."

He held the shot in the air to check it for bubbles.

"No." Jamee said and pulled her arms around her. "You said no more shots! I'm done!"

"Jamee, your body had a breakdown and it needs to be helped with getting strong again. Now come on and give me your arm."

"No! I'm sorry but no way!"

„Don't make a fuss young lady, this is just a little shot!" He grabbed her arm and tried to yank it free from her grip.

Jamee pulled back her arm in no time. She was furious now and glared at him.

"Don't you dare to touch me!"

"Jamee please…" she could hear Murdock. She gave him an angry glare.

"Get the hell out of my room! Everyone!"

"Oh well…nurse?" The doctor gave her a meaningful look. The nurse went to the door and one of the orderlies came in. Well that was it. She was screwed. The guy was ten times bigger than her. Jamee started panicking.

„No, no please!" She tried to jump out of bed but the tall man already had her by her legs.

„It's okay dear it will be over in a minute." The nurse said, trying to sound reassuring. Jamee hated those reassuringly sounding statements of the nurses. It reminded her of…the past too much.

And then the orderly pushed her to lie down on the bed. She freaked.

"Don't touch me!" She screamed. "Stop! Stop you're hurting me! It hurts!" Kicking and screaming, they ignored her pleas and she was fixated by the man on the bed and the nurse held her legs. The doctor held up the syringe once again and her eyes widened even more. It was over. She stopped struggling. Then she looked at the doctors face.

"No pl-please, I don't wanna go back to sleep, please." Jamee was desperate by now. Would she have to endure another nightmare like the one she just woke up from? Or one with her mother?

"Shhhhh." was all she heard, and then she felt the sting and the world around her became blurry once more, as it did so often these days…she wondered _'why?'_, as she felt the numbness take over her body.

'_Why me?'_

* * *

So...more action in this one yes. I know this one kinda...sorta...drags along...reading, but I still think it's done okay. Finally they consider themselves at least sort of a couple! Wasn't it time for that? Well, we'll see how long that will be the case...forever? Just a day? We'll know soon. Stay tuned and review if you'd like to tell me something I could improve about my story. But please be gentle . Okay, gotta go, thanks for reading you guys, talk to you later ;)


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